The Truth Is A Bitter Pill
by shot.gun.shuts.his.cake.hole67
Summary: Based after 12x06 when Sam and Dean take Mary for breakfast. Mary heard what the demon said to Sam about being Lucifer's vessel and it makes her wonder just what she missed from her boys life when she was in heaven. She's determined to find out so she tags along on a hunt with the boys to get to know them better but she might not like what she hears. Story also on ao3
1. Family Breakfast

Mary Winchester had been so happy when she'd discovered that she was pregnant. All that she'd ever really wanted was a normal life, away from hunting. Husband, 2.5 kids, nice house in a small town. She'd gotten what she'd always wanted. Two beautiful boys, a husband she loved and a normal life. Although, leaving the hunt behind hadn't been as easy as she'd hoped it would be. You don't just forgot all those instincts that were engraved into you from day one.

There was the odd job she simply couldn't ignore, unfinished business and all that but for the most part she was happy and safe. She kissed her boys every night when she put them to bed, content with the thought that her boys were safe away from the world she'd tried so hard to turn her back on.

And then that night happened. She didn't regret trying to save her baby. Given a re-do she'd try to save her baby every time. Her hunter instincts would never allow her to do anything but try to save people from the things they didn't understand. But more than that, her motherly instincts would never allow her to not do everything in her power to protect her children. Yes, she'd run into Sam's nursery a hundred times over but her choices, the choices she'd made before her boys were even born; the deal with the yellow eyed demon and the choice to run into Sammy's nursery that night, had left her boys to grow up without her.

That was a life time ago though and she'd spent years in heaven with John and her babies until suddenly she was catapulted into a world she didn't recognise anymore and her two babies were no longer babies. They were men. Strangers, practically. She still loved her boys. She could see they were good men and she was proud of them but they'd grown up in the world she'd tried so hard to keep them away from. She didn't blame Dean and Sam for that.

It wasn't that she was disappointed in them, not by a long shot. It was partly, that every time she looked her boys in their eyes, she was reminded of her mistakes. What she saw, was her failings as a mother. She felt immense guilt. It was also partly due to feeling completely out of place. The world she knew was gone. And so were the children she knew. She loved her boys but she also had a hard time accepting the tired and worn men, in front of her, as her babies.

Parenting is hard. No matter what the situation. But most parents have the chance to grow up along side of their children and learn how to adapt along the way. It was different for Mary. One day she was the mother of a 4 year old little boy and a 6 month old baby and the next she was the mother of 30+ year old's when she was still technically in her 30 herself. It was a lot and it was hard. Although she could still catch glimpses of the boys she knew. She'd find them in Dean's smile or Sam's eyes and it made her heart shatter.

The truth was, she was grieving. For her dead husband and for the children that no longer existed. She just needed to get away. She didn't want to disappoint her boys. She saw the sadness in both of her babies eyes. Dean was a little more upfront about it. His pain leaking out in irritation and anger but Mary knew the anger was just a mask for his feelings of abandonment. His anger was valid but Mary could see the little boy she'd left all those years ago. Her poor baby, who's mommy died suddenly and violently. She knew that he felt like she was leaving him all over again. Sam, sweet Sammy, tried to be more understanding. But Mary could still see the pain behind his supportive words. His pleading eyes hoping that she'd change her mind and come back home. It was hard to resist those eyes.

The truth was, Mary hated herself for leaving Sam and Dean but she had to do it. She couldn't be a mother to her boys right now. She was too lost. She needed to find herself before she could begin to establish a healthy relationship with her son's. Needed to figure out how to fit into this foreign world.

She needed to be able to come to terms with the fact that her old life didn't exist anymore and to accept the new life in front of her. She needed time adapt to the fact that her little boys had grown up without her. Time to mourn the time she'd lost with them.

She knew she wasn't ready to play happy families just yet but it was difficult when her boys were sitting across from her in the greasy diner, bickering about food choices, to not breakdown. There was an easiness to the way Sam and Dean interacted with each other. Dean munching on bacon, making snarky comments about rabbit food as Sam enjoyed the healthiest option he could find in this grease pit. It was an easiness that came from years of relying on each other, routine and love.

It warmed her heart and also split her mind in two halves. Half of her wanted to go home with her boys right there and then. Push down the whirl of emotions that constantly battered her sense since Amara had brought her back, and stand by her boys side. Pretend that she was happy, for them. The other half however, wanted to bolt out the door. Take Billie up on her offer. Leave the boys to get on with their lives and the comfortable routine they seemed to be accustomed too.

Or maybe not so comfortable routine.

She'd heard what the demon had said to Sam when it was possessing Jody. She'd heard the hushed stories the other hunters told about the boys. Sam and Dean were legends among hunters which was not a good sign that they'd manage to have some resemblance of a good life between hunting.

To become a legend among hunters, you'd have to have gone through some heavy stuff and it made Mary wonder just how much of the stories about Sam and Dean were true.

Mary knew that she needed more time. She knew that to be the mother her boys deserved, she needed to get herself together but she was at odds with herself. She didn't feel like she could up and leave her boys again without addressing the things she'd heard.

As if on queue, Sam excused himself to take a phone call. Mary observed Dean. Bits of food hanging out of his mouth as he happily munched down his food. It reminded her of a four year old Dean. Mary pushed aside the ache in her chest at the thought of the Dean she remembered and considered how to word her question. She damned her children to a life without her and one of them to a life haunted by darkness because of the deal she had made with yellow eyes and when she'd been brought back, she'd left them again.

She didn't feel like she had the right to ask anything of Dean and she was almost sure he'd feel the same way but she needed to ask anyway.

"Dean?", Mary approached cautiously.

"Yeah?", Dean mumbled whilst stuffing his mouth with more food.

"The demon back at Asa's wake. It said...it said..it taunted Sam, said something about Lucifer's vessel? I mean, I know demons lie so you take anything they say with a pinch of salt...no pun intended but the other hunters talk about you boys. About things that you've done and things you've gone through. Is any of it true, Dean?" Mary questioned, a little more mumbly and self conscious than she usually spoke.

She was used to talking with confidence when she had to interview witnesses or interrogate monsters but her situation right now was a whole different thing. She didn't know how to approach this with Dean and she wasn't completely sure whether she wanted to hear the answer.

To Mary's dismay, Dean's entire demeanour changed at the question. Mary knew, no matter what Dean's answer was, there was some truth to the tales that were told by other hunters. God only knew just how much her son's had endured over the years. For a moment she felt a surge of anger towards John. For allowing their sweet boys to grow up in this life. Of course he hadn't been born and raised as a hunter, so John didn't know what that could do to people. That wasn't an excuse though. However oblivious John may have been to the horrors of being raised as a hunter, he still should of known better. He should have known to keep them safe, to keep them as far away from the supernatural as possible.

Maybe the supernatural world would have caught up to them eventually, considering the deal she made with yellow eyes, Mary knew she was far from blameless but John should have protected them from it for as long as possible.

Even if exposing their boys to the monsters in the closet was unavoidable, he should have at least made sure Sam and Dean had as much of a childhood as possible. Of which she could tell they hadn't. She could tell from John's journal and the seasoned hunters that the boys had become, that they hadn't even come close to having the childhood that she'd wanted for them. Her anger towards John, although intense, was fleeting. Not because she accepted how he'd raised Sam and Dean but because she struggled to piece together the John before her death to the John after her death. John was never perfect but he was sweet, loving and above all, a great dad. She didn't recognize the John that wrote the journal that Sam had given to her.

As Mary contemplated her dead husbands choices, Dean took his time swallowing his food, trying to stall answering the question Mary had just sprung on him. But Mary was patient. She let Dean take his time and eventually Dean mustered up enough words to form a coherent sentence.

"Mom, I don't know what to tell you okay? Me and Sam have been through some messed up crap. We've both been through hell, literally, but it comes with the job, ya know? You hunt the things that go bump on the night, save a few people if you can and usually end up dying young and bloody but we're okay right now, better than we've been for a long time. As for the stuff with Sammy and Lucifer, that really isn't my story to tell. It's Sam's, mom" Dean told Mary, letting more emotion and frustration seep out then he meant too.

Mary was just about to reply but was cut short when her youngest slid back into the booth that she and Dean were occupying. She noticed the way Dean's whole body changed when Sam appeared. The tired expression replaced with a cheerful one and a almost too perky smile plastered across his face. Mary guessed that Dean had probably spent the whole of his life trying to protect Sammy from anything negative.

She also guessed that from Dean's little rant a second ago and the pain that seemed an almost constant fixture behind Sam's hazel eyes, that Dean may not have been so successful in keeping the bad things away.

"Hey Sasquatch, who was it ringing you up? Was that Max guy from Asa's wake? Cause' I swear he had a thing for you Sammy boy", Dean asked grinning from ear to ear.

"Shuttup Dean", instructed Sam, blushing. Sam had always been the same. Dean would have no end of amusement at teasing Sammy about some girl with pigtails who was clearly in puppy love with him when they were growing up. "Anyway, it was a hunter. Got a job for us, heard we were in Canada and wanted us to pick it up", Sam informed mostly Dean.

"Great, I'll come with you", Mary chimed.

Sam and Dean turned to their mother in unison. Looking both shocked and pleased.

"Thought you needed some alone time?" Dean quizzed tactfully.

"I do but we're all here, might as well go together. Never too much back up, right?".

The truth was Mary needed answers about her son's and she knew if she left now, the moment would pass. She could do some soul searching later but for now, she was going on a hunt with her boys, determined to find out at least a little more about them.

"Okay, let's get moving then", Dean smiles.


	2. A Difficult Conversation

Sam sat in the back of the impala, allowing his mom to ride shotgun. Sam had hoped that spending a little time together would be good for the both Dean and their mom. Sam knew his brother was hurting. He understood where his hurt was coming from but he also understood his mom's need to go it alone for a little while.

Sam had been in his mom's shoes. At least to some degree. All those years ago, when Sam had left for Stanford, Sam had needed time away from his family. It didn't mean he didn't love them. Dean had been his hero growing up and he loved him more than anything and despite the strained relationship he had with his father, he loved him too. But he had needed to leave for his own sake. If he hadn't have left, Sam would have continued getting unhappier and unhappier and he had felt like he'd have ruined the relationship with his family forever if he hadn't have gotten out. He had felt guilty at the time but it was something he needed to do. Sometimes doing what's best for you is an act of necessity rather than an act of selfishness.

Sam had also struggled when he had returned from the cage, properly returned with his soul intact. He'd struggled to get back into the swing of things knowing there was a blank in his life from the past year or so, well longer for Sam in the cage but a year top side. Sam imagined that it must be even more difficult with the amount of years his mom had been gone and the amount that had changed on earth during that time. So he could empathize with his mom's situation and her need to have some space.

That's not to say it didn't hurt. Sam was just has hurt as Dean. Dean had, had four years with their mother before she died, of course four years was no where near enough time but he'd had four years with their mom and Sam had, had none. He was just a baby when she'd died. Sam had sometimes wondered which was worse; having no memories of your mother or having not enough memories of your mother. After a while he decided that neither were worse nor better. They both sucked.

Growing up not remembering the women who was practically an idolised figure in your family had been tough. Sam had always felt like there was a hole in his life. It also isolated him from the rest of his family. John and Dean had known Mary, albeit briefly and he had not. It created a sense of loneliness in Sam. A shared grief between Dean and their Dad which Sam didn't understand in the same way they did. Although Dean had treated Sam like he was his entire world, there had still somehow been a sort of divide. It was Dean and their Dad. And then it was Sam. He'd always felt different and despite the love he'd had from his big brother, he'd always felt alone. He used daydream about having his mom in his life. He used to imagine how different things would have been. He wondered if his father would be different, warmer and if he'd still feel alone if she hadn't have died.

Sam had dreamt a lot of what it would be like to have his mom back so when it happened, he was ecstatic. Not just for himself but also for Dean. He knew what Mary had meant for Dean. He knew that their mom coming back was the best thing that Dean could ever ask for. That's why he knew Dean was hurting so badly, even if he tried to push it away and bury it deep down inside, the true Dean Winchester signature move. To Dean it felt like he was being abandoned by someone else he loved, except it was worse this time because he'd been abandoned by the person who he'd put on a pedestal his whole life. Really, Mary could have never measured up to the idea that John created of her in the boys minds and it wasn't really fair to expect her too.

Sam had been devastated when Mary had left the bunker. He was hurt emotionally and physically from the torture he'd endured at the hands of Toni and despite Cas healing him, the physical and emotional memories don't go away that easily. Sam was used to phantom pain after being healed. It was hard for the mind to comprehend having injuries suddenly disappear like that. The pain he could handle but the emotional trauma of being kidnapped and tortured was harder to deal with especially when said torture involved drugs and spells which had altered his mind. Sam's mind was a little fragile right now and all he wanted to do was lean on his mom. The way he never got to as a child. But Sam and Dean were grown men, not children and Mary had every right to do things on her own for a little while.

Sam couldn't comprehend how difficult it must have been to one minute have two small children and the next, having your sons be grown men and not to mention your husband having died. So Sam put aside the pain, put aside the longing to hug his mom and never let go and instead, he did what he could to understand. To try and help Dean understand and to act like a buffer when things got intense between Dean and their mom. Sam figured that he owed Dean that much after he spent years acting as a buffer between John and him but mostly Sam just wanted the two people who meant the most to him to be happy. So he put aside his crap.

Secretly though, he was beyond thrilled when his mom had announced that she wanted to join them on a hunt. Although, he was also slightly confused at the u-turn. He wasn't blind to the tense atmosphere between Mary and Dean after he'd took the tip off from another hunter and it seemed different from Dean's usual routine of pushing away the people who had hurt him but he wasn't sure what was going on.

He decided to let it drop and be thankful for small mercies that they were heading out on a hunt together. Sam was willing to accept any time he could spend with him mom, no matter what it was doing.

"So what's the deal, Sammy?", questioned Dean, disrupting Sam's thought process.

"Well, bodies have been dropping like flies in a relatively small Canadian town called The Pas, population 5,513...well it was 5,513, 14 bodies have been found in the past week", told Sam, feeding back the information he been given over the phone.

"So? What makes this hunter friend of yours think its our kind of thing?", asked Dean sceptically.

"Well I imagine in a small town, 14 sudden deaths in 7 days isn't exactly usual", offered Mary.

"Yeah, it's definitely not normal. The police have written them off as suicides and it seems like they could be right. The first of the deaths seems like a regular suicide, it was a a guy mid 40's. His wife left him, lost his job and ended up jumping of a building. He left a note, wouldn't really seem like our kind of thing but the weird thing is after that, all of the vic's that followed were people who had witnessed the first suicide and all claimed to have seen a red cloud surrounding them at the scene of the first suicide. Police put it down to trauma but soon the witnesses who'd seen this red smoke started to die too, all appearing to be suicides", Sam informed, frowning as he recalled the information he'd been told.

"That definitely qualifies as weird, worth checking out", agreed Dean.

"So have you boys ever come across red smoke that makes people kill themselves?", Mary mused.

"No, this is new to us. We'll drive there, check into somewhere to set up and I'll get researching what could be causing this", replied Sam.

Sam, Dean and Mary checked into the first motel they could find once they'd hit The Pas. Almost instantly, Sam took out his laptop and began researching. Dean didn't want to sit on his thumbs whilst Sam nerded out and he knew his mom had been itching to question Sam about the whole Lucifer thing, he wasn't sure how Sam would react to their mom questioning him about pretty much the worst thing that ever happened to him and considering the things that had happened to them both, that was saying something but he figured he should give them both some space whilst they talked it out. Plus Dean was still working through the current situation and he needed something to occupy his mind. With that, he decided to head out and talk to some witnesses over the string of suicides that had hit this small town recently.

"Hey, I'm going to talk to some witnesses, figure out what's going on here...You two should stay here and research, talk, whatever", Dean said, trying and failing to sound casual. Mary looked at Dean knowingly and Sam stared at Dean, a little bemused but let it drop.

"Okay, call us if you find anything", replied Sam and with that Dean was out the door.

Sam continued tapping away on his beloved laptop.

"Do you want some food maybe? I have no idea how to work those things so I'm not much use for the researching but maybe I could cook us something up? Nothing too fancy", Mary laughed a little forcefully.

"Thanks mom, I'm not really hungry but I appreciate the offer...Are you okay? I couldn't help but notice the look between you and Dean before he left. Is everything okay between the two of you?"

"Dean and I are doing okay...It's just, back at the diner when you were taking that call I asked Dean about the things I heard back at Asa's wake. The stories the other hunters would tell about the both of you, and the thing the demon said about you and Lucifer. He didn't say much but he said that the stuff with Lucifer wasn't his story to tell. That it was yours and I think Dean was giving us chance to talk", admitted Mary cautiously.

At the mention of Lucifer, Sam's eyes dropped to the floor but not quick enough for Mary to miss the flood of emotions that passed. Mary was beginning to realise that Sam's eyes were a tell tale sign of what was going on in his head. She saw sadness, pain, anger, fear, shame and pretty much everything in between pass through them. Sam paused, as if he was figuring out what he should say. He finally decided on the truth.

"I don't know exactly what the other hunters were saying so I can't tell you how much of that is true or not but the thing about me being possessed by Lucifer is", confessed Sam, still avoiding eye contact with Mary.

Mary's heart shattered. Any hunter know's that being possessed is no party. Being aware of the horrible things that the thing possessing you was doing but having no power to stop them is awful. Losing the ability to be able to control your own body is a horrible feeling. She couldn't even imagine what being possessed by the number one big bad, Lucifer must have been like for her youngest. She looked at him with regret, regret that she hadn't been there to protect her baby.

"What happened?", the break in her voice, revealed the pain behind her question.

"It's okay mom, it was a long time ago and you don't have to feel bad for me, it was my fault that Lucifer was even roaming around in the first place and I had said yes to being possessed by him". Sam didn't want to recall to gory detail of the Lucifer saga to Mary. He couldn't stand the thought of his mom knowing about his past mistakes. If he saw the look of disgust or disappointment in her eyes, he didn't think he'd ever recover but he'd let too much slip now and he knew he had no choice but to be honest and besides that, he didn't want to lie to his mom. He was just starting to establish a relationship with Mary and he didn't want the foundation of their relationship to be built on lies. It had always been lies that had caused issues in Sam and Dean's relationship and Sam was trying to learn from his mistakes. Plus, part of him wanted to spill his guts to his mom and for her to tell him it was okay, that she still loved him. Sam had learnt to deal with his guilt some what through out the years and although he may have dealt with it, it didn't go away and part of Sam was desperate for his mom to ease some of that guilt. To have her acceptance. He didn't hold out much hope for that reaction from her but there was a tiny part of him that prayed she would.

"Years ago now, Dean died. I won't go into what happened to him, he let me be the one to tell you this so I won't tell his story for him either but I was pretty messed up after he died. I did everything I could to try and get him back but nothing came through and I was alone. There was a demon called Ruby who had helped Dean and I from time to time, she said she was on our side and she sure came through for us a time or two. Anyway, she came to me after Dean died and she picked me up, she saved my life. At least I thought she did but in reality she was manipulating me. She told me that she knew a way that I could kill Lilith, who was the thing that took Dean away, whilst also learning how to get rid of demons without killing the vessel it was possessing. I'd already had some psychic abilities because of the demon blood that the yellow eyed demon bled into my mouth when I was a baby. She told me that I could develop these abilities further and help more people. Truthfully, I think part of it was just that I liked having someone else around. Anyway she said to get stronger, I needed to drink demon blood and I did. Then Dean came back and he warned me not to trust her before he even knew about the demon blood thing. At the same time, the demon that killed Dean was also trying to break the 66 seals that would release Lucifer from his cage. I thought that if I killed her, I'd stop that from happening so despite Dean warning me not too, I carried on downing the demon blood until I was addicted to it. Dean locked me up and I almost died detoxing but I got out and went on to kill the demon. Turns out Ruby had been manipulating me like Dean had said and me killing Lilith was the final seal that would set Lucifer free. And I did. I let Lucifer out of his cage, jump starting the apocalypse and almost destroying my relationship with Dean. Dean and I tried to find a way to stop the apocalypse but we had both demons and angels against us. Michael, Lucifer's brother, wanted a showdown with him and which ever side won would have ended badly for earth. Top of all that, Dean was Michael's true vessel and I was Lucifer's. Anyway we couldn't find a way to kill Lucifer so I thought that if I said yes to Lucifer possessing me and take back control for even a little while, that we could use the four horsemen of the apocalypse's rings, which open Lucifer's cage, then I could jump in taking Lucifer with me which I did in the end", explained Sam rushing over his words. He didn't want to look at his mom's face and see her disappointment so he continued staring at his hands whilst he recited the story.

"So if you jumped in the cage...you went to hell? Dean made a passing comment about both of having gone through literal hell but I hadn't realised what he really meant", admitted Mary quietly, "what happened? How did you escape hell?"

Deciding there was no going back now, Sam continued.

"Cas brought me back not too long after I fell but he only managed to bring my vessel. My soul was left in the cage with Lucifer for over a year but Dean asked the horseman Death to retrieve my soul because without it I wasn't really me. I was cold and ruthless".

"Do you remember it? Going to hell?"

"I didn't at first. Cas and Death both said that the memories of being locked in the cage with Lucifer could kill me so Death put up a so called wall in my brain to block out the memories so at first, the last thing I could remember was jumping into the cage but eventually the wall came down and I remembered everything", explained Sam, stuttering slightly and subconsciously messaged his thumb into that old scar on his hand.

"But if the memories were supposed to kill you, how come your here?"

"It almost killed me, I started hallucinating the devil in my day to day life, memories leaked into the real world and I would see things that weren't really happening. Eventually I stopped sleeping all together, anytime I tried to sleep the devil would be there to stop me and eventually I got committed. Lack of sleep started to kill me and nothing worked to stop it but Dean came with Cas who tried to heal me but he couldn't so instead he transferred the stuff that was going on with me to himself. Turns out angels don't need sleep so it didn't kill him...I know I've kind of thrown all of this on you but I just wanted to be honest. Although now I've probably made you want to run and never come back. I wouldn't blame you. I've done some terrible things. Not long after that Dean went missing, I thought he was dead but he was in Purgatory. I didn't even look for him because I didn't trust myself. The last time Dean was gone, I ended up hooked on demon blood and nearly ended the world so I didn't even try. I've constantly let Dean down and caused a lot pain but I keep trying to do better, to make up for it. Not that, that erases all of my mistakes. I understand if after knowing all this, you want nothing to do with me. Hell, I would stay away from myself if that were possible but don't let it stop you from coming back home to Dean when you're ready to because he's a good person and you're all he's ever wanted".

Sam's confession was met with silence. He dared to look up at his mom and saw her looking away from him with tears lining her eyes.

"Sam... I need to go freshen up, okay" she said to Sam, rushing into the bathroom before the onslaught of emotion caught her.

Sam watched as his mom fled to the bathroom. He knew it was the right thing to tell Mary the truth and that doing so might make her hate him but it didn't make it hurt any less. What else could be really expect from her after what he'd just told her? Sam tried to fight back the pain and concentrate on his research whilst also hoping that he hadn't ruined things for Dean. Hadn't let his big brother down, yet again.

Meanwhile, Mary splashed water over her face and cursed herself for doing the wrong thing again. After the way Sam talked about himself, she had no doubt that Sam would take her departure as a sign that she thought badly of him but that simply wasn't true.

From the story Sam told, she got the picture of a man who'd been manipulated by darkness his entire life and although he'd tried to do the right thing, he'd ended up making a mistake that set Lucifer free. But Mary knew, as a hunter, that most hunters would have killed Lilith there and then too. She sure would have. She didn't see her baby as bad or judge him for the demon blood. He was just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. She knew he'd been manipulated by powerful forces and that, thanks to her, he'd never really stood a chance.

Whatever mistakes Sam may have made, he'd paid for ten fold by subjecting himself to hell and the will of the devil. Mary couldn't begin to imagine what Sam went through but she'd guess that Lucifer would have an infinite imagination when it came to torture. The thought brought an almost physical pain to Mary's stomach. Sam had saved the world at the expense of himself and continued paying for it with all the suffering that followed leaving the cage. No, she didn't blame Sam. Her son was brave and strong and despite all the challenges he'd faced, he'd managed to remain gentle and kind. Her son was a hero and she was proud.

So whatever reasons Sam may have thought Mary had for retreating to the bathroom, he was wrong. Truthfully, she felt responsible.

All of the stuff with the demon blood happened because of her deal with the yellow eyed demon and the events that followed were dominoed from that. She also felt great sadness. Sadness at the unimaginably suffering that her youngest had gone through. Sadness that she wasn't there to pick him up. Sadness that she wasn't there to support her eldest as he had to watch his little Sammy go through that too.

There was also a part of her that had no idea how to respond to Sam. He'd been honest and open with her but she couldn't find the words to make it all better. There were no words for that. When Sam was sixth months old, she could pick him up and sooth him and take away his tears but Sam was a man now and she had no idea how to comfort him or make him see his own goodness. Honestly, she was scared and she ran. She ran to the bathroom before she could even process what that meant for Sam. What Sam would think that meant. She was jolted from her inward berating by the sound of Dean coming through the door and knew that she'd have to make it up to Sam later. She braced herself and made her way into her boys.

Dean made his way back to the motel after talking to some of the witnesses. As soon as he walked into their room he knew that maybe Sam's chat with their mom maybe hadn't gone down so well. No matter how much Sam tried to maintain a neutral composure, Dean had come to know his brother inside out and as he looked at his brothers posture and eyes, he knew he was hurting but there was no time to discuss what had happened before Mary emerged from the bathroom looking flustered. Instead of addressing it with the pair of them in the room, Dean decided to stick to the case.

"Still researching, geek boy?" asked Dean, trying to lighten Sammy's mood.

"Pretty much done, how did talking to the witnesses go?"

"Didn't really get much info from them, what did you find out from the research?"

"Well I think we could be dealing with a Hongaek".

"A what-now?"

"It means red disaster in Korean...I had to dig pretty deep to find much out. The basic lore describes it as a red mist that infects people who have been affected by or witnessed a terrible incident such as a violent death, mass tragedy, suicides or anything horrible really. Those infected by the red mist are said to meet a similar ending to the one they witnessed. That was pretty much it but digging deeper, they have more lore on this in Korea but it doesn't seem that common in any other country but basically it's like a supernatural illness. My guess is that the first suicide was just a tragic, non supernatural occurrence but some of the people who witness the suicide became infected with Hongaek or red disaster and ended up committing suicide too. Only problem is, I can't find anything on what makes someone vulnerable to the mist. A lot of people witnessed the guys suicide but not every one saw the red mist...why does it only infect certain people?"

"Well this sounds like fun", Dean replied sarcastically, "So what's a Korean ghost infection doing in Canada? And did you find anything on how to stop this Supernatural bird flu?"

"I don't know how it got here Dean but apparently you have to start with patient 0. Perform a ritual over the body or bones of the person who originally died when the red mist appeared and it cures the people who were infected by it".

"Great, so what? We just go find the guys body, say the ritual and then were good to go? It's never usually that simple for us. Is it safe, is there a chance we could get infected?"

"Well the lore isn't exactly set it stone on this thing but it seems like it only infects people who witnessed the original suicide and we didn't so we should be okay".

"Should be? That fills me with so much confidence Sammy".

Mary who'd been watching her boys go back and forth with each other, finally chimed in, "So, should we go and find where the body is and get the ritual done? It's a smallish town, shouldn't be too hard to find his grave", asked Mary.

"Yeah, I've written down the ritual, we'll need to make a few pit stops to collect things for the ritual but we should be good to go", replied Sam avoiding Mary's eyes. A fact that Dean didn't fail to notice.

"All right then, let's go", agreed Dean.

He grabbed the impala keys and tried not too worry about his mom and brother and tried to concentrate on the hunt. It seemed simple enough but when were things ever simple for them. He couldn't place his finger on it but he had a bad feeling about this hunt but he pushed aside his concern and followed his mom and brother out the door.


	3. Common Ground

The drive to pick up the ingredients for the ritual was awkward to say the least. Things between Dean and his mom had been weird ever since she left the bunker but usually Sam was the voice of reason, advocating for their mom to Dean and advocating for Dean to their mom but now it seemed like the situation between Sam and their mom was equally as strained as his. Although Sam seemed oblivious to the awkward atmosphere, as he kept his eyes focused on the scenery beyond the impala's window.

Dean noticed the tension in his shoulders and despite Sam's efforts to hold it together, Dean also noticed the hurt that Sam was currently fighting against.

He cursed himself for leaving Sam and their mom to talk earlier. He also wondered what could have caused this uncomfortable atmosphere. Putting aside his confusion for the minute, he racked his brain for something to say that wasn't too loaded but would end the awkward silence.

"Hey Sammy, maybe you should make some calls and find out where the guy was buried?", Dean suggested, hoping to get his baby brother out of that freaky head of his.

"I already checked, he's in The Pas Anglican Church Cemetery. I picked up a map from the local store, when you were buying food too", commented Sam absent mindedly.

"Okay then...Got everything for the ritual?", asked Dean, trying to ignite any form of communication but a simple nod was all that came from Sam. Dean knew Sam wasn't doing it on purpose, there was just something going on with him.

Mary exchanged a look between Dean in the driver's seat and Sam in shotgun. She had been looking between both of her boys since they'd left the motel, too drained to form a coherent thought but not tired enough to escape the uneasy guilt that clenched in her chest. She noticed Dean glancing at her through his rear view mirror and let her eyes drop to the floor. Mary knew that the situation with Dean was far from ideal and she'd bet that he'd resent her even more if he knew how she'd reacted to the conversation with Sam earlier. Mary sighed to herself, wondering how things had gotten so messed up. Before she could dwell too much, Dean parked the car outside of the cemetery and the three of them collected their stuff and prepared themselves for the job.

"The guys named Kurt Tremblay, right?" asked Dean, scanning the newer graves in the cemetery.

"Yeah", Sam clarified, "He's over here".

Dean left Sam to the actual ritual. Sam was good at this nerdy crap. Dean and Mary stood guard with a shotgun and salt rounds at the ready. This was some sort of supernatural illness rather than a ghost but you could never be too careful and the Winchester's weren't exactly lucky.

Sam got on with the ritual and began to recite an incantation in, what sounded like Korean. Dean noticed that Sam wasn't reading the incantation from a sheet and realized he must have memorized it in the little time between Sam had found the ritual and they had left the motel.

"Such a geek", Dean muttered under his breath, a small grin of affection brightening his face.

Sam finished the ritual and proceeded to salt and burn the body. It was over quickly enough and before long they were back in the impala.

"Maybe we should stay till morning? It's pretty late and I'm beat...Plus we have the room at the motel for the night anyway", suggested Dean, "Although there's only two beds..Me or Sam could always crash on the floor though".

"It's okay, I can get another room, you boys can both use a bed", offered Mary.

"It's fine, I'll get another room. You guys have more stuff to move around than me", Sam insisted.

Dean didn't like the idea and he knew for a fact that he and their mom had no more belongings to trudge around than Sam did. Dean figured Sam probably didn't want to be interrogated about the days events. It didn't sit right with him though. Since they were kids, Dean had always managed to get a better nights sleep if Sammy was by his side. Dean could relax more if Sammy was close by should anyone or anything try to hurt him. He wanted to argue with the idea but didn't want to make things weird or even more awkward so, going against every instinct he had, he let it go.

As soon as they were back at the motel, Sam wasted no time getting a room and getting away from his family. Both Dean and Mary hit the sack pretty much straight away too, not wanting to leave too much time for things to go sour between them like they had at Asa's wake. Dean was tired. He was tired of things being so difficult with his family. Why couldn't things ever run smoothly? He drifted off thinking about his brother, fighting the urge to go check on him. He welcomed sleep, hoping that things would go a little better tomorrow.

Dean was snapped awake by a loud rapping on the door. Mary, who was already awake and making toast, sauntered to the door and answered it. Sam stood in the doorway, looking like a deer caught in headlights when it was Mary that opened the door instead of Dean. Sam quickly collected himself and walked to the foot of Dean's bed.

"Dude, it's 6:00am! Where's the freaking fire?", Moaned Dean tiredly.

Sam threw a newspaper at Dean.

"I went for a run and picked up the morning paper. Check the front page. There was another suicide last night. An 18 year old girl shot herself. I hacked into the police files and she saw red mist too but as far as I can tell she wasn't at the site of the first suicide. She was out of town for a college interview", Sam announced, walking into the room.

"Dude, it's the crack of dawn and you've managed to run, get a paper and look into this new suicide? Did you even sleep?"

"I woke up early, okay? Don't you think we have more pressing matters right now? A kid's just died Dean...This doesn't fit the lore, it doesn't make sense and there's not a whole lot of info out there so I don't know how we're supposed to stop this thing if we don't know how it works?", sighed Sam wearily.

"Maybe you don't need to witness the original suicide to become infected?" Offered Mary to no one in particular.

"It's possible. Maybe you can become infected by someone else who's infected without necessarily having to witness the original suicide. Which is awesome because now literally anyone could be infected, we have no way of knowing who the next vic will be and no way of stopping it considering the ritual obviously didn't work", complained Dean Sarcastically.

"Maybe Kurt Tremblay wasn't the first suicide. We thought that everyone got infected by red disaster from Kurt but if the latest victim didn't see Kurt commit suicide, maybe he just spread it on from someone else and anyone who was infected at Kurt's death could have passed it onto god knows how many more people?" mused Sam.

"So we need to go back, see if there were any more suicides around here from someone who Kurt came into contact with and then find the body and perform the ritual again. I'm thinking we should split up. One of us could go talk to Kurt's family, see if he lost anyone to suicide recently. Then the rest of us could go to see the last victim's family and keep an eye on them. Make sure they didn't see any red mist and stop them from ending it if they did?" suggested Dean.

"Sounds like a plan. I can go to the latest victims family. The poor mother might respond better to another woman".

"You could go too Dean, backup in case anything goes South. I'll go visit Kurt's family. Shouldn't be more than a one man job, if they had been infected, I'm pretty sure something would have happened by now" Sam responded.

Again, Dean didn't like this much but Sam had a point. If any of the latest vic's family had become infected by this damn supernatural illness than interacting with them could mean becoming infected too. If that happened backup would be needed to make sure no jumped of any cliffs.

With that, they parted ways. Sam subtly stole a car and headed to Kurt's family whilst Dean and Mary climbed into the impala.

A little while later, Dean and Mary emerged from the house of the latest victims family.

"Doesn't look like they were infected", stated Mary.

"Yeah, no talk of any red mist or smoke but then again, some people might not go shouting it from the rooftops. Sounds a little crazy, I'd definitely keep it to myself", grunted Dean.

"You're right, maybe we should park the impala somewhere out the way and keep watch for a bit? Sam won't be back for a while", offered Mary.

Dean nodded in agreement and found a spot for the impala that was out of sight but close enough to use binoculars to peek into the house. The two of them sat in the impala for a few minutes in silence, watching the house for any signs of unusual activity. Dean didn't want to sit here in silence for god knows how long so he considered and decided to address the elephant in the room.

"So, what happened with you and Sam yesterday?", questioned Dean.

"What do you mean?", asked Mary feigning ignorance.

"Look, I know Sam. I looked after the kid pretty much my whole life and I know when something's bothering him. Not to mention that he could hardly look you in the eye".

"He told me a few things yesterday..."

"And?"

"And I didn't react how I should have done".

"What did you say?" asked Dean accusingly.

"Nothing. That was the problem. Sam opened up to me, I could tell he was uncomfortable doing so but he was honest with me. He didn't say much about what you've gone through since I died, said the same as you about it being your place to tell me but he told me a lot about himself. About demon blood, Lucifer, the cage, being soulless, not looking for you in purgatory...a whole lot of stuff and he said that he understood if I didn't want anything to do with him now but not too let it stop me from coming back home to you", Mary Admitted.

Dean sighed and scrubbed his face with his hand. He knew Sammy would have to tell their mom something but he wasn't expecting him to tell her that much. Dean wondered if Sam had a tiniest bit of hope that he could find some forgiveness or acceptance or whatever from their mom.

"Anyway, when he finished, I bolted to the bathroom. To him it would have looked like me rejecting him or judging him but that wasn't why I ran Dean. It was just a lot. Before Amara brought me back, Sam was a six month old baby and now he's an adult who's been through more than anyone should have too and I wasn't there for him. Half of it is my fault, the demon blood thing and letting Lucifer free...none of that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have made that deal with yellow eyes. I ran because I couldn't deal. I didn't even register what Sam would assume I thought of him until I had locked myself in the bathroom. It was only after that I realized he'd take it as me having a problem with him. But Sam isn't the problem. Sam did the best that he could with the cards he was dealt and when he made mistakes, he fixed them even when that meant horrible consequences for himself. I don't think badly of him for that, I'm proud of him for that. He's a hero. You both are but instead of telling him it was okay and that I was proud, I ran because it hurt to think of you both going through that and not being there to help you. Mostly, I couldn't look him in the eyes knowing that I caused half of it either", confessed Mary.

Dean was silent for a moment.

"I'm guessing you probably hate me even more now?" questioned Mary, sadly.

"I don't hate you mom. I'm confused and this whole situation sucks but I don't hate you, I just hate how hard this is. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't wish you'd have handled the situation with Sammy better but I get it. I've given Sam a harder time than anyone in past. There was a time when I'd thrown his mistakes in his face every chance I got, even once he'd more than made up for them. We're better now, we've always been close but it took us a while to get to where we are now which is on the same page".

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?"

"I don't think he needs to forgive you. If I know Sammy, he won't blame you for any of it, he'll blame himself. If Sam knew what you said to me, it'd be more than enough for him to put the whole thing behind him. In fact I'm pretty sure it would mean the whole damn world to him" admitted Dean.

Mary smiled at her eldest. She was proud of him. He was a great man.

"Hey Dean? Could you fill me in on the rest? Sam told me, what he saw as the bad things about himself but he didn't tell me the good or anything about what happened to you. I want to know everything about your lives. It might help me connect the dots between the little boys I left behind and the men you both are now".

Dean didn't do well with 'chick flick moments' but truthfully, he was desperate for a way to connect with Mary so he decided to tell her everything.

"Everything? You might want to get comfy" chuckled Dean, nervously.

"Everything." confirmed Mary.

"Well after that night, Dad got pretty obsessed with finding what killed you and over the years he left me and Sam alone quite a bit. It was my job to look after him but truthfully, I've always needed him just as much, if not more, than he needed me. It was no picnic growing up but I wouldn't change a second of it because Sam and I might not have the same relationship as we do now... Sammy was a good kid. Always had his head stuck in a book, always asking questions. He was a short scrawny little kid with a big mop of hair for a while until one day he shot up and overtook me. He perfected those puppy dog eyes years ago, he could pretty much get away with anything in my eyes growing up. He'd just have to look at me and I'd melt. Dad said that I was too soft with him but Sam wasn't like us. I wasn't exactly like Dad either, I would always try to keep Sam a kid for as long as I could, you know? Try and give him birthdays and Christmas's. Always tried to look out for him. I may not have been just like Dad but I was desperate to be. I wanted to hunt and I fitted into this world but Sammy never did. He wanted a normal life, like you. He was smart and a sweet kid...far too gentle for our line of work back then. With that and the fact that Sammy and Dad were pretty as stubborn as each other, meant that he and Dad butted heads a lot. I worshiped Dad for a long time and followed him blindly. It took me a while to figure out that Dad wasn't perfect but Sam saw that a lot sooner than I did so things weren't great with them. Then he got into Stanford, the little nerd got a full ride and everything but Dad said if he was going he should stay gone so I didn't see him for a few years. I'll always regret following Dad and not sticking by Sam, supporting him through college but the past is the past. It always felt weird having him gone, like I had a limb missing or something".

"If you separated, how did he end up back in the game? Did John change his mind?" interjected Mary.

"Not exactly, Dad went on a solo hunt and didn't come back for a while so I went to get Sam at Stanford, to ask for his help finding Dad. We followed some trails and ended up taking on a hunt together. We finished the hunt but didn't find Dad so I drove Sam back to Stanford, he had this interview for law school that he wanted to be back for. At the time Sam had a girlfriend, it was pretty serious, he loved her and was planning on asking her to marry him but when we got back to Stanford...Sam found his girlfriend on the ceiling...She died in the same way you did" Dean stole a glance at his mom who looked pained but carried on.

"After that, Sam wanted to find yellow eyes and get revenge so he carried on hunting with me. It's funny how much Sam and Dad fought because they were kind of a lot a like. When Jess died, he got obsessed with hunting yellow eyes just like Dad did. Except, Sam is a better man than John was, when push came to shove he put his family before revenge. Sorry, I know you probably don't wanna hear that about Dad but he was a different man after that night. Anyway, this was around the time Sam started to get visions. We eventually met back up with Dad but then we were in a car crash and I was pretty much a goner. Dad made a deal, his life for mine. It was tough after that, I wasn't in a good place when Dad died and he told me, before he went, that I might have to kill Sam if I couldn't save him and when I eventually told Sam what he said, he didn't take it so well. He practically begged me to kill him if things went south and it was tough but we got by. We had each other. Until Sam went missing. Yellow eyes had plans for the children like Sam. He took them all to some deserted town so they could fight to the death and the last one standing would be the leader of some army he was creating. In the end, their was Sam and this other kid but Sam wouldn't kill him. The other guy ended up stabbing Sam. Sammy died in my arms. My one job had always been to take care of Sammy, Dad told me as much but he didn't even need too, I just knew. It was my one job and I had failed. I couldn't handle it, couldn't do it without him so I made a deal with a crossroads demon to bring Sam back in exchange for my soul. They gave me a year and Sam tried to find a way out of it but we couldn't and then the hellhounds came knocking and dragged me to hell. I was in hell for 4 months but time is different down there so it was more like 40 years. They tortured me and...and it was...well hell but they would offer me the chance to get off the rack on the condition that I tortured souls. I said no for a while but after years of torture I gave in and became the torturer", admitted Dean.

Usually Dean would have kept this detail out of the story but knowing Sam had told their mom everything, Dean felt like he needed to tell their mom his mistakes too. To let her know that Sammy wasn't the only one who had done things he regretted.

"When I got back was when all the stuff with Sam and the demon blood happened but you know all that. I was also struggling to deal with what happened in hell and it was also around the time Cas came into our lives. Basically it all led up to Sam jumping in the pit. I didn't see him for a year and in that year I left hunting. There was a woman who I'd has feelings for so I went and I stayed with her and her kid. I was a regular Joe for a while but it didn't work out. Sam came back and I tried to have the best of both worlds. Hunt and go back to my girlfriend and her son when I could but that was never going to work. There association with me ended getting them into trouble so I asked Cas to erase their memories of me, to keep them out of my mess. I also realized around that time that Sam had no soul and again Sam told you about that and me getting his soul back to him and how all that ended. Then there was the part where I went to purgatory which is pretty much a bloodbath. Monsters left, right and center, sleeping with one eye open and always on guard. It changed me. When I got back and found out Sam hadn't looked for me…well let's just say things were bad between us for a while. I understand more now. At the time, I thought he didn't care but now I kind of think he just couldn't deal. Didn't have enough faith in himself to believe he could fix it and couldn't handle failing at it so he just hit the road, plus we did promise each other that we wouldn't go aftet one another. After that there was this whole thing with these trials. There were trials that, if completed could shut down hell for good and I was supposed to do it but it didn't work out that way and Sam began doing them instead. We got to the final trial and I found out that if Sam completed the trial, he'd die so I ran to tell him but it didn't change his mind. He didn't care that it would kill him, he was prepared to sacrifice himself to close the gates of hell but I managed to talk him out of it. I thought that if I stopped the trial that Sam would be okay but he ended up collapsing and Cas also ended up accidentally casting all angels down to earth. Sam was in a bad way after. He was dying. But an angel convinced me that if he could possess Sam, he could keep Sam alive long enough for him to heal. I was willing to give it a shot but for an angel to possess a human, they need consent and even if Sam were conscious, I knew he'd never consent to being possessed by anything. I couldn't let him die thought so, despite knowing it probably wasn't a good idea and that Sam would hate it, I agreed for the angel to pose as me in Sam's subconscious and trick him into giving consent. It was a dick move and I was wrong but I couldn't let Sammy go. Anyway, the angel ended up betraying us and he killed a good friend of ours while possessing Sam's body. Anyway, long story short, once we managed to get the angel out of Sam, Sam wasn't exactly pleased with the methods I used to save him. I get it, he hates the idea of anything possessing him and I abused his trust. I may have done it to save him but it wasn't my call and it was Sam who had to live with the images of his own hands killing our friend. Things weren't good between us for a while. But there was this demon mega bitch roaming around trying to be the queen of hell. She was a knight of hell so she couldn't be killed in the usual ways that you gank a demon. The only way to kill her was by using a weapon called the first blade but you could only use the first blade if you had the mark of Cain, as in Cain and Able, so Cain passed the mark from himself to me so that I could kill Abaddon which I did. The only thing was, the mark doesn't come without side effects and it changed me. I also ended up being killed and because of the mark, I was completely turned into a demon. I wasn't possessed, I just completely turned into one...a Knight of hell at that. But Sam and I knew how to cure a demon so Sam cured me but it didn't get rid of the mark which caused some issues. Sam was doing everything he could to find a way to get rid of the mark but I wasn't as hopeful. The mark turned me in to somebody that I'm not and eventually I knew I needed to be stopped. I summoned Death to ask him to kill me but he wasn't able to without passing the mark onto someone else or else the darkness, aka God's sister, would be released. Instead Death offered to send me to a place where I couldn't hurt anyone but in return I had to kill Sam to stop him from looking for me. I was going to, I managed to talk Sam into it, he was going to let me kill him but he gave me this speech about family and how I was a good person, that along with those puppy dog eyes, stopped me. I couldn't go through with it and ended up killing Death instead. We got the mark off me, which released the darkness and almost ended the world. We tried everything to defeat her, Sam even went back to the cage to try and get help from Lucifer but it was like fighting a losing battle. Eventually God came back into the picture and it turned out she just had some major sibling resentment thing going on and all's it took was a bit of family therapy from yours truly and we were golden. You know the rest, she brought you back as a thank you for reuniting her with God, Sam got kidnapped by that British bitch and...", Dean trailed off.

"And I walked out on you both. Dean, I don't expect you to forgive me or even understand me but..."

"You don't have to explain. I get it, I do. I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy for me to accept because it's not but I do get it", Dean admitted.

Dean and Mary sat in silence for a couple of minutes, neither knowing what to say to one another.

"I'm so sorry Dean".

"I told you, it's fine, I get it".

"I'm not talking about leaving the bunker. I'm sorry for your life Dean. I'm sorry for everything that you've been through. I started all of this Dean. It was me who made the deal with the demon and everything that happened from then on, happened as a result of that. I loved you boys so much and I just wanted you both to have a safe and happy life. I didn't want any of this Dean", confessed Mary, "That's not to say that I'm not proud of you because I am, you both such good men but I hate what you've been through. You were just a little boy Dean, my perfect little man...You shouldn't have had to take on all of that responsibility. You needed to be looked after, you shouldn't of had to look after another child. You shouldn't have had to go through any of it. Neither of you should have". Despite her efforts to bury it, the emotion was raw in Mary's voice.

"We don't blame you Mom. I know as well as anyone about making deals to bring back someone you love, apparently it runs in the family and yeah, our life freaking sucked at times but I wouldn't change it. We have lost a lot but it's made us appreciate everything more. Family. Life. We don't take it for granted. And Sam and I, we've saved the world more than once. We've made a difference, a massive difference...How many people get to say that?" questioned Dean.

"I guess I just wish it could have been someone else's job to save the world and it could've been yours and Sam's job to just be kids".

Dean, in that moment, felt like a little boy again. Overcome with emotion, desperate for his mom to hold him and make everything okay. He tried his best to shake it off. Focus on the job at hand.

"I wonder if Sam's had anymore luck than we have?", wondered Dean aloud, shoving the emotion back down.

Sam walked back to his stolen car after talking to Kurt's family. He checked his phone to find 3 missed calls from Dean. Sam sighed, tired and weary, before dialing Dean's cell.

"Finally, did you decide to have dinner with them or something?", asked Dean sarcastically.

"Do you want to know what happened or not Dean?"

"God, someone got up on the wrong side of bed this morning. Anyway, what's up? Speak to Kurt's family?"

"Yeah I did. Turns out that Kurt only moved back here recently. His wife had left him because he'd been seeing another woman. The woman he'd been seeing lived in another town and Kurt moved in with the woman he'd been seeing when his wife left him but his girlfriend died not long before he committed suicide. She wasn't well. She had a long history of mental illness and she killed herself. She and Kurt had a fight and he walked out for some air and when he came back, she was already gone".

"Well that sucks. Why didn't they include that info in the paper? And did he say anything about this red mist?"

"I don't know Dean, it didn't happen in this town and Kurt was pretty private...they probably didn't even know. Anyway, the family said that Kurt didn't show any signs of what he was about to do. He didn't mention any red mist or anything strange at all. They said he was upset, obviously but he seemed to be handling it as well as anyone could do. So I took a look around his room and lucky for us, Kurt kept a diary. Turns out he did see a red mist. He described a red but almost iridescent mist leaving his girlfriends body and wrapping itself around him until it disappeared down his throat. He wrote that he thought he was going crazy and didn't tell anyone because he knew how it would sound. He also said that the red mist brought a calmness over him. He didn't write after that. I think I might have an idea on what might cause someone to become infected. It sounds like all of the vic's were in a pretty bad way anyway. None of them were exactly the happiest people ever and I'm thinking that's what leaves people open to this thing".

"What, like a supernaturally low immune system?" quipped Dean, "So do you think his girlfriend is the body we need to do the ritual on?"

"Looks that way but the town where she's buried is a good ride away so maybe I should just get it done and you and mom can spend some time?" suggested Sam.

"No man, we'll do this together Sam. Come back to the motel and we'll pack up and hit the road together...You need you to be with your family Sam", Dean told Sam, trying to keep his voice casual but failing to hide the pleading in his voice.

Sam scrubbed his hand over his face. He was tired. He was always tired but today was worse. He hadn't the energy to argue with Dean. He hadn't the energy to do much of anything. He was drained, emotionally and physically. Mostly he just wanted to be done. He berated himself for feeling that way. For not being stronger. He'd always felt the urge to run or hide away from things when they got hard and he despised that about himself. Dean wasn't that way, he didn't run from things and it was just another way in which Sam wished that he were more like his big brother. Instead of voicing any of the things that were going on in his head, he simply agreed wearily.

"Fine but I need five minutes to get myself together before we get going...Do you mind getting the stuff for the ritual and I'll meet you when you're done?"

"Sure, don't take too long princess" chuckled Dean, switching of the phone.

Sam didn't even get the chance to make a movr before he heard a commotion near by. He got out the car and ran to the source, a small shop where a crowd had gathered, looking shocked and upset. Sam shouldered his way through the crowd and spotted a body lying on the red washed concrete.

"What happened?" Sam asked another onlooker.

"A young man, just 20 years old...He lived in the apartment above the store. He jumped out of the third story window, killed himself. I've known the boy since he was small, he was a good boy" said the women, sniffling back tears.

"I'm sorry for your loss", offered Sam.

He was distracted from the tearful woman beside him when he noticed movement from the body. At first he thought, perhaps the boy hadn't died but he soon realized he was wrong.

He stood, frozen to the spot, unable to move. He could only watch as the red mist floated away from the boy, almost gracefully and began to entwine around Sam. He knew that he should do something, should move or fight but he felt almost peaceful and stared in a trance as the redness swirled around him. The mist began to flow into Sam's mouth and crawled its way down his throat. The hunter instincts Sam had, told him he should do something. Call Dean, ask for help. But every instinct Sam had was overshadowed by the calm that had settled over him since the "red disaster " had infected him.

In a trance like state, Sam made his way to the car, knowing what he need to do.


	4. On The Edge

The Pas wasn't a huge town but it was beautiful. When they had been driving in to the town, Sam had took notice of the scenery. Mountains and large hillside's provided a backdrop for the place. The town itself was surrounded by large bodies of water which served as a harbour for the several industries that existed in the quient town. Sam had took in the large hills that overlooked the icy cold water of the bay. He'd thought about how much he'd like to hike in those rocky mountains and steep cliff's. Of course, he kept this to himself in order to avoid Dean's lighthearted ridicule. Still, the breathtaking scenery had made an impression.

So when Sam became infected by the Hongaek, he knew exactly where to go. Sam, almost as though he were in autopilot, got back into the car and began to drive to the large hill that overlooked the harbour. He was there in less than 15 minutes.

He climbed out of the car and made his way over to the edge. Sam propped himself down on the ground, sitting on the edge with his long legs swinging freely over the side of the near perfectly vertical drop.

He sat there for a while. Staring at the water below. There were no thoughts running through his head. He felt clearer than he had done in years, maybe ever. There was a rational part of Sam that would usually be telling him that this wasn't the way and that part of himself always seemed to have Dean's gruff voice. But that part of him had been boxed up and hidden away right at the back of his mind. There was another part of Sam that was used to standing on the edge of a cliff, metaphorically at least.

It was the part of him that was always so ready and willing to sacrifice himself. The part that practically begged Dean to kill him after what their Dad said all those years ago. The part that wanted Lilith to kill him after Dean went to hell. The part that threatened to kill himself before letting Lucifer possess him. The part that jumped into the cage with Lucifer. The part that was ready to die in order to shut down hell.

He'd never needed much of a push. He'd gotten better in recent years though. Started to value life more. The life that Sam, Dean and Cas had created for themselves, satisfied him. They had the bunker, the closest they'd ever come to having a real home besides the impala. They had their own little family. It was enough. He stopped holding out for the 'normal' life he used to want and began fighting for the life he had. Fighting for himself and for his brother. He'd realized just how far he had come back when Death had wanted Dean to kill him.

There had been a time when he'd have probably gone along with it pretty willingly but instead he fought for himself and for Dean and they were finally good again. There life was never easy. How could it be when it involved fighting people like Amara and Lucifer? It couldn't be but that was okay. Despite everything that had happened, from the darkness to the visions Lucifer sent him, from Lucifer possessing Cas and the world almost ending again...Through all of it and despite all of it, Sam had been more at peace with who he was and what his life was than he had been in forever.

Then Dean had died. Or so he had thought. Then he had gotten him back again and his mom too. Growing up, Sam had always imagined that having their mom around would have made everything different. He thought it'd make everything better. He was unbelievably happy when Amara had brought her back. Even when Mary had decided to leave the bunker, he was just happy that she was alive. He'd have taken a weekly text and the odd visit over nothing at all because he'd never had the version of their mom that Dean had until he was four. He'd never had a mother at all and Mary being back was enough.

Despite his happiness at her return though, it had stirred up a lot of emotions. Mary coming back, Lucifer once again being in their lives and the conversation that he'd had with Mary, had all messed him up a bit. It'd opened old wounds that he'd tried so hard and took so long to heal.

Once again, he was reminded of all his mistakes, all of his fears and every bad thing that had ever happened to him and Dean. It had exhausted him. Then along came the Hongaek. It had engulfed him and brought a calm to the storm in his head. He no longer felt the need to fight this anymore. The answer seemed so simple now. He pushed his palms to the ground, and prepared himself for the fall. He pushed him palms harder against the ground, propelling his body forward.

Meanwhile...

Dean switched off his phone, after talking to Sam, with an uneasy feeling in his gut. He couldn't place his finger on it but something felt off.

"Are you okay Dean?" questioned Mary, all traces of 'hunter Mary' had disappeared and the only person talking to Dean was 'mom Mary'.

"Yeah, I guess".

Mary looked at him with an arched eyebrow, not believing Dean's answer.

"I don't know, it's just...something feels off. I'm worried about Sam".

"Did he say anything strange or did he sound hurt?"

"No, nothing like that. I guess it's just..."

"A motherly instinct?" interjected Mary, only half joking.

"You could say that", chuckled Dean nervously, "It's just, I've got a gut feeling here. Something isn't right. We were supposed to be meeting Sam at the motel but.."

Before Dean could finish his sentence, Mary cut in, "If you've got a bad feeling about this Dean, I'll follow your lead. I trust you, you know Sammy. So how about we had towards the direction that Sam is coming from and see if we can find him?" suggested Mary.

Dean appreciated Mary's support on this.

"Even better, we have this called GPS nowadays. As long as Sam's phone is activated, I can find out just where he is", stated Dean proudly while checking the GPS.

"What the Hell?"

"What Dean, what's the matter?"

"You remember all those mountains and hills Sam was gawking at when we were driving through here? Well I think Sam's close to there, or at least his phone is", muttered Dean in confusion until finally it dawned on him.

"Oh crap!"

"What Dean, what's up?"

"We have to get going, I think Sam's in trouble".

With that, Mary fastened her seat belt and Dean sped off, as fast as the impala would take them. It didn't take long to reach the hill, they were closer to it than Sam would have been from Kurt's families house.

Dean's heart dropped when he saw Sammy's hunched figure sitting at the edge of the stupidly large hill.

"No, no no no no! You can't do this Sammy", Dean muttered quietly as he jumped out the car.

He hastily made his way to Sam, wanting to be fast but not wanting to spook him and send him over the edge. As he got closer to Sam, Dean noticed him pushing himself of the ground. Pushing himself forward, pushing himself off of the edge.

Without thinking, Dean lunged at Sam. Praying to a God he knew probably wasn't listening, that he wasn't too late. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt his arms connect around Sam's chest and heaved him backwards, away from the edge. Dean pinned Sam against the ground, not taking the chance to let Sam try and take another nose dive of the hill.

"Sammy, what the hell? How did it get you? What happened? Talk to me Sam?!" Dean pleaded but Sam didn't respond.

He simply lay under Dean, not even trying to fight him off. He store into space, looking right through Dean. Almost like he wasn't even there. Dean thought that Sam might have been locked in his mind somewhere. Whatever was going on, Dean wasn't getting any answers from Sam any time soon.

"Dean, is he okay?" asked Mary, who had followed Dean onto the cliff.

"Looks like he's been infected. It's weird though because he couldn't have been infected for long...it must have took over quick, it didn't seem to happen that fast for the others but for now we need to concentrate on keeping Sam from hurting himself until we can get our hands on the original vic's body and burn it. Sam should be okay after that".

"Okay, let's get Sam to the car".

Dean was ready to haul Sam's ass into the impala but he was taken of guard as Sam's previously unresponsive body burst into action. Sam pushed a startled Dean of him and ran towards the hill's edge once again.

Mary and Dean both sprung into action. They both tackled Sam, who continued to fight against their hold. Sam was desperately fighting to get the cliff's edge but his face was still unresponsive and showing no expression. Dean tried to soothe his baby brother but pretty soon, he realized that this was no normal situation. No amount of words could change Sammy's mind because this wasn't his doing...well not completely anyway. He apologized inwardly before punching Sam and knocking him out and causing a trickle of blood to leave his nostril. Mary looked a little shocked but instantly understood Dean's reasoning.

"Do you think he'll stay out until we can burn that body?" questioned Mary.

"No but we can tie him down before he wakes back up and put him in the back until we get to the body, we can keep an eye on him".

Mary nodded and helped Dean tie up Sam. They both guided his heavy and limp body into the back of the impala.

"Sorry Sammy, this is just until we burn that body. Everything will be okay soon", Dean promised quietly.

Once they were done, Mary and Dean climbed into baby and didn't waste time before collecting their stuff from the motel and hitting the road. Sam was still out like a light.That punch must have been a little harder than he'd intended it to be, mused Dean.

The ride to the town where the original suicide happened was a few hours away. Dean hoped that for once, luck was on their side and that Sam wouldn't be too much trouble before they finished this hunt. Dean glanced at Mary who was staring out of the window, a frown fixed on her face.

"You okay mom?", asked Dean with genuine concern.

"This is my fault isn't it?"

"What? No! Course not, this is some messed up supernatural disease. Sam just got infected, you couldn't have controlled that".

"I heard Sam when you were talking to him on the phone. He said that he thought there was a reason why only certain people got infected with this thing. That it would only infect people that were already in a bad place. So if someone is hurting, it leaves them vulnerable to this thing. I'm the reason why Sam was hurting".

"That was just a theory, Sam didn't know for sure it was legit. You can't blame yourself for this. For the record, we've dealt with something like this before. A hunt that involved something that made you want to kill yourself. I managed to fight it eventually but Sam would have died from blood loss if I hadn't stopped him. You weren't around then and he still almost died, so what I'm trying to say is that, it's not on you that Sam was susceptible to this thing. Anyway, there's nothing to blame yourself for. Sam's gonna be fine mom."

"Yeah, course. He's going to be fine".

On queue, Sam began to stir in the backseat. Dean stole a glance at him in the rear view mirror. Sam was fully awake now but he was still doing the whole, creepy stare into space thing. Despite the lack of expression, Sam still managed to look like a broken man. Sam had always had the 'kicked puppy' look down to an art.

Dean wasn't exactly thrilled with the situation. He didn't like tying Sam up and chucking him in the back of the car but he had no other choice.

"I need to go", Sam spoke in almost a whisper. Despite the fact that Sam was talking, he didn't appear to be talking to anyone in particular. His gaze was still firmly fixed into space.

Mary cast a worried glance in Dean's direction.

"Sorry Sammy but you're not going anywhere right now. As soon as we finish this thing, I'll untie you, kay? Everything's going to be peachy Sammy", Dean knew that Sam would probably not hear a word he was saying but he said it anyway. Probably more for their mom's and his own sake, than Sam's.

"Got to go. Got to leave. Got to disappear. It's better. It'll fix things. Got to disappear. Got to go away forever", Sam muttered to himself, barely coherent but both Mary and Dean heard it.

"I'm going to fix things Sammy, I promise" and Dean meant it.

Dean turned up AC/DC louder, not being able to listen to his brothers ramblings anymore. Mary kept stealing glances of Sam in the mirror. As though she was hoping that the more she looked at him, the bigger chance there was of him suddenly snapping out of it. Dean knew that the only way to get Sam out of it was by burning the woman's body. They just needed to keep Sam safe until then. How hard could it be?

Eventually they arrived at the town where Kurt's girlfriend had died. It was slightly bigger than The Pas but barely. It was easy enough to find out where Kurt's girlfriend, Amber Lincoln, had been buried. There was still the matter of getting the ingredients for the ritual. Mary and Dean had neglected to do that when they had, thankfully, gone straight to Sam.

"How are we going to do this?" Dean questioned.

"Well I imagine one of us will stay in the car with Sam and the other will get the ingredients?" Mary was a little confused at why Dean seemed to think there was going to be a problem.

"Look, we don't know how this works. We don't know if someone has to die to pass this thing on or if being around someone who is infected is enough. There's a chance that Sam could pass it on...I mean...Don't you think that if that is the case, you could be vulnerable to this thing?" Queried Dean carefully.

Mary frowned in confusion.

"I mean you're not exactly happy are you? You've been struggling and back at the wake, it looked like you might take Billie up on her offer, for a second".

"Dean, I had the opportunity but I didn't take it. I want to be here Dean. It's hard and it's going to take time for me to adjust but I want to adjust Dean. I want to sort myself out and get to know you and Sam properly. I don't want to die."

"I'm glad to hear that mom, I really am but that doesn't mean you're not at risk. Sam wasn't exactly suicidal before this thing got him but he was upset and it seemed to leave him open. You might want to be here but you gotta admit that you've been struggling and that might be enough."

"Okay, so what do you want to do?"

"Honestly, I kind of want to keep you both with me but it's going to look a little strange if we go around lugging about a 6'4 guy who's tied up and mumbling to himself".

"Yeah, that may raise a few eyebrows", admitted Mary, "Maybe we could hire out a motel room and hole Sam up in there? Tie him properly so he can't get loose and then we could both sort this ritual out together? It's not ideal but it might be the best plan we have".

Dean didn't like the plan but he was considering it. He didn't want to leave Mary with Sam for two reasons; 1. He didn't want Mary to become infected too 2. He didn't know if Sam would have a sudden burst of energy and start fighting like he had done back at the cliff and if that happened, he didn't want to leave Mary to deal with Sasquatch by herself. He also didn't want to let Mary go and sort the ritual out alone. The last time one of Dean's relatives went out for this hunt alone, they nearly ended up at the bottom of a very high hill.

"Fine. We'll check into a motel", Dean agreed reluctantly.

The Winchester's checked into the nearest motel. Mary carried their stuff into their room, whilst Dean guided a mumbling and fidgeting Sam to the room. They wasted no time getting to it, both Mary and Dean were in a rush to get this ritual over with.

Dean hesitantly handcuffed Sam's hands to the metal bed frame, first making sure that the bed frame was secure and not likely to be ripped from the bed by Sam. He then followed by handcuffing Sam's ankle to the bottom of the bed frame.

He removed any weapons from Sam and made sure there was nothing in reach that he could use to pick a lock. After salting the windows and doors and double checking the handcuffs, Dean finally decided that Sam was securely locked down.

"Ready to go and get this over with?" Asked Mary.

Dean glanced at Sam, sprawled out across the bed, whispering to himself. Dean noticed a stray tear escape from Sam's eye, as he continued staring at nothing in particular. Dean felt guilty as hell. Logically he knew that locking Sam up was the only way to keep him safe but all he could see was his baby brother, locked up and broken, knowing he'd put him there.

Dean walked over to Sam and ruffled his hair the way he did when they were just kids. He'd ruffled Sam's hair and a 13 year old Sam would complain about him messing it up whilst Dean would chuckle at his ability to wind up his nerdy little bro.

"I'm sorry Sam but we'll be out of here before you know it. We'll back in the bunker in a flash. So just hang tight, kay?".

If Sam had heard a word Dean had said, he hadn't acknowledged him.

"Fine, let's go", Dean sighed.

Mary and Dean headed out the door, ready to get this over with.

Sam was a blank state. His head completely empty. But he was still Sam Winchester and despite the red disaster that had infected him and his sudden inability to decipher anything that was said to him, he still had all his instincts in tact. It was kind of like he was on a hunt and the prey was himself. So although Sam hadn't meant too, hadn't even processed any thoughts in his head, he began to pray. He prayed to Castiel, again, as if on autopilot and provided Cas with his location.

With a flutter of wings, Castiel appeared at the foot of the bed. He had his usual trench coat on and a familiar pinched expression.

"Sam. What happened to you and where's Dean? I was in the middle of trailing Lucifer with Crowley when I heard your prayer...is Dean hurt? Why isn't he hear to help you?"

Sam didn't respond. Castiel frowned and placed two fingers on Sam's forehead.

"There's is some kind of foreign substance in your body. Some kind poison I haven't come across and for whatever reason, I can't seem to remove it. I'm sorry Sam."

Again Sam didn't reply. With a click of his fingers, the handcuffs were removed from Sam.

"We'll find Dean and figure out what and who happened to you Sam". Getting no response again, Castiel turned and tried to call Dean's cell phone. After 3 rings, Dean answered.

"Hey Cas, what's up man?" Dean answered in his usual gruff voice.

"I'm with Sam..." Cas started as he turned to face Sam on the bed but was met with nothing. No Sam. The motel door had been opened, presumably by Sam who had left the motel.

Sam swiftly made his way to the nearest car and hot wired it. Making no hesitation to get in it and drive far away from the motel.

"You're what?!" Rushed Dean, not liking the sound of silence from Cas at the other end of the phone.

"I, er, I was in a motel room with Sam. He was tied down so I let him free but now he seems to have disappeared".

"What the hell were thinking, Cas?!", barked Dean.

"I don't know, Dean. Perhaps I was thinking Sam was handcuffed and possessing a foreign substance in his body and tried to help him. Next time I'm in the middle of hunting Lucifer and Sam prays for help I'll remember to run it by you before I try to help him Dean", retorted Cas in annoyance.

Considering how literal Cas had took everything when he'd first met the Winchester's, Cas had come along way on the sarcastic responses.

"Wait, Sam prayed to you?", questioned Dean.

"Well when I arrived here he was practically catatonic so I doubt he consciously made the call but I think instinct probably took over".

"Please tell me your still with him Cas?".

"No, I turned by back for a second and he was out the door".

"No, god, what the hell? You couldn't keep him locked down for five minutes?"

"I wasn't aware that I had to keep him locked down Dean. What's going on?".

"We were on a hunt, Hongaek. A Korean supernatural illness that was infecting people and making them kill themselves. Sam got infected and we tied him to make sure he didn't hurt himself while we finished this thing but you went and let Lassie of his lead".

"I'm sorry Dean. I did not know. I wouldn't have purposely put Sam in harm's way".

"I know, I'm sorry man, I'm just...worried. We have to get to Sam before it's too late", sighed Dean.

"Where are you Dean? I'll come to you and help in any way I can", offered Cas.

Sam drove the stolen car through the town. He was mostly still out of it but his blank mind was occasionally being interrupted by thoughts.

Thoughts of Dean. Their mom. Flashes of his life. Mostly, his mistakes. His wrong doings. The people he hadn't been able to save. The people they'd loved and lost. More reasons why he needed to go. He needed to go. He just needed to go. That was his new goal.

The unwavering idea that he needed to eliminate himself from the equation, that he needed to die. It made more sense to him than anything ever had, like it was an answer to a question he'd been asking his whole life. There was a niggling in the back of his head. Infected Sam couldn't quite put a finger on what it was. But what it was, was Sam. The real Sam fighting to get through. The Sam that loved his brother completely. The Sam that had loyal friends like Cas. The Sam that had a real home at the bunker. The Sam that was a fighter. The Sam that wanted to live.

Try as it might, that part of Sam wasn't big enough to fight the red disaster that had taken over him. Sam was just tired and the hongaek had latched on to any pain and suffering Sam had ever felt and wouldn't let go. Taking over him and pushing him further and further over the edge.

The fractured thoughts in Sam's head were interrupted when Sam caught sight of a bridge in distance. He drove forward, failing to notice the impala tailing him.

A little while earlier...

Mary and Dean had barely even hit the road before he'd gotten a call from Cas. Dean was happy to hear from him. That was until he'd started talking and realized Cas had let Sam free. Dean knew it wasn't really Cas's fault. Hell, he'd have done the exact same thing if he'd have found Sam chained up but Dean was scared for his brother and he needed someone to take his anger out on.

In a second Dean went from having Cas talking on the phone to him, to having his feathery ass right behind him.

"Dean. How can I help?"

"Hello boys...And ladies? Mother moose I take it", Announced Crowley unexpectedly.

"Why are you here?" Questioned Cas abruptly.

"Cas, your hostility really hurts my feelings. I thought our little bromance was blossoming beautifully but any how", smirked Crowley, "I'm here because I have a lead on Lucifer's whereabouts and I thought you'd want to be on-board when I locate him".

Cas sighed, perplexed at what to do.

"It's okay Cas, I got this. I'll track Sam and make sure he's okay...it's a one man job, really. You go catch us a pissed off archangel", Dean reassured and with that Cas and Crowley were off.

"Right, you go get Sam and I'll finish the ritual in the mean time", instructed Mary. Dean was about to protest but was interrupted by Mary.

"Dean we haven't got any time to waste. You need to get Sam and this ritual needs to be done. I capable of this Dean, I'm a pretty good hunter ya know? It'll be burned before it has chance to infect me, now get our Sammy" ordered Mary softly.

Dean knew it was the way forward but he didn't have to like it. He didn't want to even take the smallest chance of Mary getting hurt but Sam needed him and if he was honest with himself, Sam would always come before anything or anyone else even with mom back.

"Okay but call me if anything goes side ways, are you okay sorting out your ride?", Mary nodded and with that he was off.

He didn't need to be told again. He jumped in impala and tracked Sam's GPS and began what seemed like an agonizingly long journey to Sam. It could have taken a second and it still would have felt too long.

Eventually he spotted a car in front of him with what looked like his baby brother in the driver's seat. Dean sped up until he was side by side with the other car and sure enough, Sammy was at the wheel. He hadn't failed to notice the bridge close by.

Dean panicked, wondering how to stop Sam. If he ran in front of the car, Sam may not have even been able to register that he needed to stop and might end up mowing Dean down. Dean wouldn't be any use to Sam if he was road kill. If he drove the impala in front of the car, they could both end up in a bad accident and he didn't want to do anything that would knock Sam of the road.

"Son of a bitch" Dean cursed, banging his fists against the steering wheel.

Sam was heading straight towards the bridge and Dean knew he sure as hell wasn't going there to check out the view.

Sam was getting closer and closer to the bridge when there was a sudden shift in Sam's body language. His rigid body slouched slightly and the stoic expression was replaced by one of fleeting confusion and panic.

"Sammy?!", Dean cried. He knew his brother inside out and he just knew his Sammy was back to normal...well as normal as his geeky gigantor brother could be. Dean decided Mary must of finished the ritual. His relief was temporary, as he realized his brother was still heading straight towards the bridge, mere inches away and there was only one way down.

Dean leapt out of the impala, stuck for what to do.

"Sammy stop!" Dean shouted, almost begging.

A wave of recognition sweeped across Sam's face and before the car took a nose dive of the bridge, Sam hastily spun the wheel, turning the car almost too abruptly. Definitely too abruptly. It was late November in Canada which meant the roads were kind of icy. Nothing that Sam couldn't handle usually but that sudden turn definitely wasn't going to end well with these roads.

Sam pawed at steering wheel, desperately trying to control it. And failing. Dean stood, frozen and terrified as his little brothers stolen car flipped over but it didn't stop there. The car continued to travel across the road, forcefully smacking to floor each time it flipped. Dean flinched with every hit, kicking himself that he could do nothing but stand and watch, whilst god knows what was happening to his brother in there. The car flew down the grassy embankment at the other side of the road.

Dean ran to the edge to get a view of the wreck. The car has finally stopped but it was wrapped around a tree and the rest looked in bad shape. Dean didn't want to see what shape his brother was in if that was the car. He didn't want to see but he needed too. So he skidded down the bank, towards the car.

He wanted to throw up when he looked inside.

Sam's limp body was pinned down to the driver's seat by the left side of the car that was crushed inward and crushed into the majority of Sam's body, hiding any possible damage that might be under there. His head was slumped against his chest but you could the excessive amount of blood that was coming from somewhere on his head. Scanning the rest of Sam, Dean could see that a large shard of glass had lodged itself deep into the part of Sam's chest that wasn't being crushed by the car.

This was bad, really bad. Sam was unconscious and god only knows what kind of internal injuries Sam was dealing with.

"Sammy?", Dean asked as a sob broke free.

"Sammy? Come on man, talk to me. Sammy, I need you to open your eyes for me", Dean begged as a stray tear escaped his eyes, "Sammy open your damn eyes now!"

But there was no answer.


	5. Broken and Repaired

Dean continued to try and coax Sam out of oblivion and eventually he was rewarded with a flutter of Sam's eyelids as he slowly began to open his eyes.

"De", attempted Sam but was interrupted with an violent outburst of coughing.

"Hey, take it easy Sammy", ordered Dean gently.

"Dean?", Sam tried again, successfully this time.

"Yeah Sammy, I'm here, I've got you", soothed Dean, taking hold of his brother's hand, the one that wasn't trapped under a car.

"What...What hap, happened?", spluttered Sam.

"We were on a hunt remember? The Hongaek? It got you and you've been in a really bad accident but it's okay now Sammy. I've called an ambulance, they're on their way and you're gonna be just fine", promised Dean.

"Kay", was all Sam managed to get out before being interrupted by another burst of coughing. This time the coughing brought up pink frothy blood that dripped down his chin.

Dean's heart skipped a beat.

Sam pulled his hand away from to Dean in order to wipe his mouth, noticing the pinkish froth that smeared his hand.

"That's no, not go..good", gasped Sam.

Sam's breathing was uneven and gaspy and Dean knew that wasn't a good sign.

"Dean?", Sam questioned.

"I'm right here, Sammy".

"Dean, I think I..I'm d..dy..dying...think m' gonna die", gasped Sam, in obvious pain, as Sam's glassy and glazed eyes met Dean's wide emerald one's.

"Hey, enough of that! No one's dying here Sammy. You here me? You've beaten the frigging Devil, a little car crash ain't gonna take you down. Okay? We're gonna get you fixed up buddy", promised Dean.

"Kay. Head hurts, hurts a lot", admitted Sam as another coughing fit took hold of Sam. This time more blood dribbled down his chin.

Dean was relieved to hear sirens in the distance. He turned to look how far they were.

"Hear that Sammy? The ambulance is here, you're going...", as Dean turned to face his little brother, he was met with the sight of his little brother, unconscious and violently seizing against the hunk of metal that was holding him down. Dean didn't even want to imagine the damage that the rough and heavy metal could be doing against Sam's seizing body.

"Sammy?", whimpered Dean.

Dean hadn't even notice the paramedics that were surrounding the car, he couldn't take his eye's of his little brother, fixated in horror.

"Sammy, please...You gotta get through this", begged Dean as the paramedics pulled Dean from his brother.

Mary had finished the ritual pretty damn quickly. She was good hunter, no, a great one. Not to mention that she was eager to get it over with. She had no doubt in her mind that Dean would do everything in his power to keep Sam safe but some things were out of the control of a human and Mary wanted to make it as easy as possible for her boys.

Sam and Dean may not be the little boys she knew but they were still her boys. It was a tough situation to come to terms with. She didn't feel like Sam and Dean were the same boys she'd been in heaven with not all too long ago. Those boys were gone to her. They hadn't existed for a long time. No, Sam and Dean were not the little boys she knew but they were still her boys. It was almost like she had two little boys who had died and she was grieving for them but she'd gained two adult sons who she also loved very much.

That much she knew. That she loved Sam and Dean. Which is why she was so desperate to get this ritual done. Not because there could be lots of people out there who were currently infected with the red disaster but because there was one particular person infected. Sam. Her baby. She needed him to be okay. She needed for their last conversation to not be the one in the motel. She couldn't control a lot of things but she could control this son of bitch thing that had infected Sam.

So as quickly as she could, she dug up the woman's body, performing the ritual and reciting the incantation that Dean had scribbled onto the back of a receit. The moment she'd spoken the incantation, a red mist began to rise from the woman's remains. At first, Mary panicked, assuming she was about to be infected by this thing too but she soon realised that the victims had expressed a feeling of calm brought over them by this thing and if Mary was panicked, chances are she wasn't being infected. She realised this must be part of the ritual.

The mist began to ascend until it was several feet in the air. It began to swirl in a circular motion, picking up momentum until it 'burst' almost like a firework and eventually faded to nothing.

Pleased that the ritual was done and successful, Mary made her way back to the stolen car. She sat in the driver's seat and reached for the cell phone and fumbled for Dean's number. She was rewarded with his voicemail. Mary calmed herself. Her boys are fine. They've been through worse and came out the other side. They'd be okay. Now was not the time to panic.

5 hours later...

Now is the time to panic. Mary had been fidgeting in the car for the last 5 hours, calling Dean in 20 minutes intervals and he'd yet to answer or call back. Mary was being plagued by thoughts of her boys in gruesome situations. Just as images of Sam and Dean lying dead in a gutter intruded her mind, her phone rang. As Dean's voice echoed through the phone, Mary breathed a sigh of relief.

"Dean! Where are you? Are you okay?"

"Mom...it's Sam. He's hurt...He's hurt really bad", Dean sniffled and Mary could tell he was fighting back tears.

"Where are you? I'll be right there", assured Mary.

Dean gave her directions to the hospital and with that Mary was on the road and on the way to the boys.

The ambulance had arrived along with a firetruck. Dean had been prized away from his brother as paramedics and firefighters worked to get Sam free from the car and to keep him alive whilst doing so. It looked like they were struggling to manage the latter and it made Dean struggle to breathe properly.

After what seemed like forever, Sam was being hauled into an ambulance and Dean was being told there was no room for him in there with Sam. There was no time to argue, Sam's life was on the line so Dean followed behind in the impala.

He hadn't even had time to see his broken baby brother when he'd arrived at the ER because they took him straight into resus and then to emergency surgery. That was a while ago and Dean was at the end of his rope.

He alternated between pacing and sitting with his head In his hands. The ER waiting room was depressing. The walls, once white, we're tinged a disgusting shade of yellow from age. The chairs were brown, plastic, uncomfortable things that wobbled when you sat down. The sqeeky linoleum floor looked grubby and stained despite the cleaner that was mopping it. The people that were crammed into the waiting room were mostly drunks, plenty of screaming children with all sorts of bumps and cuts and lots of worried relatives. Depressing.

Noticing the worried families jolted Dean's memory. He'd been so used to being in it alone when Sam had been hurt or worse. Even when Bobby was around, they were often on the road so Dean had become accustomed to waiting in the ER alone whilst Sam got patched up. So accustomed to it that he'd actually forgotten that he and Sam weren't in this alone anymore. He'd been so occupied with worry for Sam that he'd forgotten to get in touch with their mom. Dean imagined Mary was probably climbing the walls waiting for answers.

Dean had left his cell in the impala so he made his way over to the hospital payphone and punched in his mom's number. With a sigh, he braced himself for the phone call.

Mary practically ran from her car to the ER. She quickly spotted Dean, hunched in a chair with his head in his hands. Mary walked to her eldest boy and placed a hand on his shoulder, half expecting for him to push her away but to her relief, he didn't.

"Mom. You're here", stated Dean with what sounded like relief in his voice.

"Course I'm here, Dean...what happened to Sam?" She questioned softly.

"When I got to him he was driving...he was about to drive of this bridge but I think you must have done the ritual just before he got to the edge because he changed and then he tried to swerve and stop himself but the road was icy so the car ended up flipping and it was...it was really bad, mom. When I got to him he was coughing up blood and then he started seizing and he stopped breathing. They brought him here and I haven't heard anything since", rushed Dean emotionally.

Mary squeezed Dean's hand.

"He's going okay, Dean. They're going to fix him up", reassured Mary.

Mary and Dean sat together in silence as they waited for news on Sam, both too lost in their worry to form any real conversation.

25 minutes later, a doctor wearing scrubs emerged.

"Family of a Sam Plant?", shouted the doctor.

"Us, that's us. I'm his brother and this is our mom...how's Sam, is he okay?" Queried Dean.

The doctor sighed sympathetically which Dean took as a bad sign, "I'm Dr Davidson...I think it's best that we talk in private".

The doctor led Dean and Mary through to a private room.

"Well? What's going on with Sam?" Asked Dean who was growing impatient.

"When Sam was brought in, he wasn't breathing and he has extensive injuries. I'm afraid that Sam's body went through a severe trauma in the car accident and although we did our best to help Sam in surgery, it was mostly damage control", informed the doctor solemly.

"Damage control?! What the hell?! You're supposed to be a doctor! You're supposed to help my brother! What the hell are you quacks being paid for?!", shouted Dean in frustration.

"Hey, hey, hey. Dean, I know your worried but getting worked up isn't going to help anything. The doctors just doing his job, you need to calm down a little", Mary instructed gently.

"I know, I'm sorry doc. I'm just...worried, I guess... what's exactly wrong with my brother?" Sighed Dean.

"It's okay, I understand and I'm sorry if I came across as crass or insensitive", apologized Dr Davidson, "As for Sam, he obtained many injuries, several of them life threatening. One of our main concerns was a head injury that Sam obtained during the accident. Sam suffered a subdural haematoma. This is where a blood vessel in the space between the skull and the brain is damaged. Blood escapes from the blood vessel, leading to the formation of a blood clot that places pressure on the brain and damages it. We performed a craniotomy on Sam which is where a temporary flap in the skull is created. The haematoma is then removed using suction and irrigation, after the procedure, the section of skull is put back in place and secured using metal plates. The craniotomy was successful in removing the haemotoma but there was already significant damage to Sam's brain from the traumatic brain injury. Sam also had a pulmonary edema. Pulmonary edema is a condition caused by excess fluid in the lungs. This fluid collects in the numerous air sacs in the lungs, making it difficult to breathe. In most cases, heart problems cause pulmonary edema. But fluid can accumulate for other reasons such as trauma to the chest wall which is what caused the pulmonary edema with Sam."

The doctor took a pause before continuing,

"If the pulmonary edema continues, it can raise pressure in the pulmonary artery and eventually the right ventricle in the heart becomes weak and begins to fail which is what has happened to Sam. Sam's heart is failing. There is also internal bleeding in Sam's abdomen from lacerations to his liver and spleen. He also has several broken ribs, a broken collar bone, a fractured pelvis, his left leg was broken in two places and he right shoulder was dislocated along with several minor lacerations. Sam is very sick. One of his injuries alone could be life threatening but with the overall trauma that Sam's body has gone through, it has a lot to contend with in terms of recovering. As I said before, we did what we could in surgery to keep him alive but Sam was barely strong enough to make it through the surgery so we had close up sooner than we would have liked too. Sam is currently in a coma. He has been intubated and is being mechanically ventilated to help Sam breathe. It's in my professional opinion that there is a little to no chance of Sam making any meaningful recovery. The extent of Sam's injuries make it likely that the ventilation and the treatment we are giving him may not be enough. You may need to prepare yourselves for the very real possibility that Sam may not make it and even if he did, with the damage caused to Sam's brain, it's likely that he would not be the same Sam as you knew him before. I really am very sorry".

Honestly, it all sounded like jibberish to Dean. But he got the message. This doctor was pretty convinced that Sam wasn't going to wake up. That he would most likely die and that if he didn't, Sam probably wouldn't be able to speak, walk or do anything of the trade mark things that made Sam, Sam. Dean fealt like he'd been punched in the gut. All the air taken from him but he forced himself to pull himself together. This was bull. Sam was going to be fine. Sam was strong and in their world, dead didn't always mean dead anyway.

Dean cast a glance at Mary who looked like she was ready to burst into tears at any moment but the hunter instinct of self preservation took over and she held it back. She clung onto Dean's hand. Dean wasn't sure if it was for his benefit or for hers.

He wanted to tell her it was going to be okay. That Sam was going to fine and that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about but for some reason he couldn't talk. The words began to form in his throat but faded before they could leave his mouth. He felt strangely disconnected from his body. Maybe it was because, despite how hard he tried to convince himself that Sam would be okay, he knew Sammy was in a real bad way.

"Can we see him?", asked Mary, voice barely audible.

"Of course, I'll take you to his room. You might need to prepare yourself for what you see. Sam is in bad shape and there's several machines that are helping Sam. It can sometimes be overwhelming for loved one's", explained the doctor.

Mary gave the doctor a nod and he led Mary and Dean out the door.

Dean just wanted to see Sammy, no matter what state he was in. He needed to hold Sam's hand. He didn't want his baby brother to be alone for one more second. He was glad for the doctors fast pace as he led them to Sam.  
-

Mary was more than horrified at the doctors lengthy explanation of Sam's injuries. It was lenghty because there were lots of injuries and it made Mary sick to her stomach.

Finally, she and Dean were getting to see Sam. She knew that Dean needed it and she did too but she wasn't sure how she'd feel seeing him so hurt.

Mary was a hunter. She'd seen horrors many wouldn't believe. She had a strong stomach. But nothing could have prepared her for the sight of her youngest lying on a hospital bed, broken. Hooked up to far too many machines. An ugly tube protuding from his mouth. His chest rising and falling in time with the mechanical 'woosh' of a ventilator. Sam's leg was in a cast and there was a sling like contraption that Mary guessed was for his broken collar bone. A large portion of Sam's body was hidden under hospital covers but you could see the bruises and cuts that decorated Sam's arms and face. It made Mary wince but she knew those injuries she could see were nothing in comparison to that ones that weren't visible. The injuries that the doctor was convinced would kill Sam.

Mary sucked in a breath. Sam may be an adult but looking at her deathly pale and bruised little boy, all that she could see was the six month old baby she knew as her little Sammy. Considering he was 6"4, he looked impossibly small. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable that Mary just wanted to scoop him up in her arms and make it all better like she could when he was just a baby.

Every part of Mary wanted to break down but as she looked to her eldest son, who looked like he was really struggling to keep it together, she knew she needed to be strong for her boys.

Disregarding the chance it might not be received well, Mary enveloped Dean in a hug and she was filled with warmth when he sunk in to her hold.

As Dean let go of their embrace, she saw a stray tear escape Dean's eye before he went and took a chair at one side of Sam's bed and Mary took the chair at the other side.

Dean paced the hospital corridors with a tray of coffees in one hand and his cell in the other.

"Dammit Cas, pick up your damn phone!", Dean ordered through gritted teeth as he rang Cas's cell.

It was the next morning. Mary had fallen asleep next to Sam's bed but Dean hadn't manage to even catch five minutes. He'd alternated between watching Sammy and phoning Cas all through the night and each time he tried to phone him, he was met with a voicemail. Dean was growing more worried and frustrated by the minute.

Pocketing his phone, Dean walked back into his brothers room where Mary was just beginning to stir.

"Here, it's not the best coffee ever but it does the trick", offered Dean as he passed Mary a coffee.

"Thanks, any change?", questioned Mary wearily.

"No, Sam's the same and I still can't get hold of Cas. I know Cas is busy hunting Lucifer down but he usually calls back. He needs to call back, if he doesn't heal Sam..."

"Hey, Sam's going to be fine, remember?" Assured Mary firmly but softly which received a nod from Dean.

Dean and Mary sat either side of Sam, both holding a hand, being careful not to jostle any wires. They sat like that for a while in a comfortable silence, both lost in their worry, until Mary finally broke the silence.

"You know, when we first brought Sam home, we weren't sure how you were going to react. I mean, you were excited when you knew you were going to be a big brother but it's a whole different ball game when the new baby arrives and starts taking half of the attention. John and I were fully prepared for a few tantrums but it was never like that. You adored him the minute you lay eyes on him. I remember one night, Sammy was a couple of weeks old and his cries woke me up. I was exhausted, obviously, I mean with what woman isn't with a new baby? But I remember walking into Sammy's nursery and finding you in there. You on your tip toes, peering into Sam's crib with your hand through the bar, holding his and singing to him. The same song I always sang you asleep too", recalled Mary affectionately.

"Hey Jude, I remember", smiled Dean warmly.

"Yeah, you were soothing him and it was working. Then you noticed me and turned to me and said 'it's okay mommy, I got this, you can go back to sleep' and I was just in awe at the amazing little boy you were. I went out but hid in the hallway in case you needed a hand but you didn't, of course. I heard you talking to him though, you told him that he didn't need to cry because you were there. You promised him that you going to be the best big brother ever. I can see that you kept that promise", reminisced Mary. Tears she hadn't realised were there, fell down her cheek.

"Hardly, I've failed at protecting him so many times", scoffed Dean.

"Dean, you and your brother have been put in unimaginable situations. You protected him as much as you could have. More so. I'm so proud of you Dean. You said yourself that Sam was gentle and kind. Sure, some of that is down to who he is as a person but some of it is because of you Dean. I'm not stupid, I know you raised him more than John ever did and you did good, Dean. I hate the thought of the way you and Sam grew up because I know it's painful but the one thing that brings me comfort is knowing that you had each other, that you took care of one another. I'm sure you and Sam have had your fair share of ups and downs because that's family but you carried each other all these years and I can see how much you care for each other and that makes me so proud Dean", beamed Mary tearfully.

"Thanks Mom", smiled Dean sadly, voice thick with emotion.

Dean cleared his throat and pushed back tears.

"I erm...have to go try Cas again. I'll leave you to have some alone time with Sam", offered Dean. Mary stood up and wrapped her arms around Dean. Enveloping him in her arms once again, Dean seemingly needing the comfort.

"Okay, I'll see you in a little bit", agreed Mary.

Mary sunk into the chair that sat beside Sam's bed and shifted it even closer to Sam. She held Sam's hand and stroked Sam's hair with the other. She stroked her thumb against Sam's forheard affectionately.

"Oh Sam, my baby boy", Mary cooed sadly.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I'm so sorry at how I handled things. We're going to get you fixed and after we do, I'm going to make it up to you Sam. I promise", vowed Mary, cupping Sam's face in her hand.

Dean followed the signs to the hospital worship centre. He figured that if Cas wasn't going to answer his phone calls, he was going to have to give the more traditional communication methods a try.

Dean found the room and took a seat.

"Okay Cas, I'm praying to you here and I need you to be listening. I know you're busy on the Lucifer trail but I need your help. Sam's hurt, he's hurt really badly and the doctors have given up on him Cas. I don't think Sam's getting out of this without your help, so I'm begging you to get your ass..."

"I'm here Dean", stated Cas as he appeared with the flutter of wings.

"Oh thank God! Where the hell have you been Cas? I've been trying to phone you all night?!"

"I'm sorry Dean. I was tracking Lucifer with Crowley but we ran into trouble with a couple of hunters who were after Crowley and consequently, me. My phone was damaged in the process. If I'd have known, I'd have come instantly Dean", answered Cas seriously, "Now, what happened to Sam?"

"We managed to get rid of the hongaek but not soon enough and Sam was in a car crash. He's hurt bad and the doctors say there's pretty much no hope in a meaningful recovery. He's in a coma now".

"Take me to him, I'll see what I can do", instructed Cas.

Mary was still comforting Sam when Dean reappeared in the doorway with Castiel. Mary felt a spark of hope ignite at the sight of the Angel.

Castiel walked closer to Sam, taking in his entire form with a pinched expression.

"Oh Sam", was all Cas said as he placed his palm on Sam's forhead.

"Well? Can you heal him?" Rushed Dean, who was growing impatient.

"Sam is severely injured but yes, I should be able to heal Sam however it may take a couple of sessions before he's fully recovered. For now I'll heal the most life threatening injuries and then take him to the bunker where he can rest and I can continue to heal him", confirmed Cas.

"Thank you Cas, really", Dean sighed in relief.

"Yeah, thanks Castiel", reiterated Mary.

Castiel simply nodded and then proceeded to place to fingers on Sam's forhead and healed his most serious injurjes.

"Ready to go?", asked Cas gruffly.

Dean, Cas, Mary and Sam were all back at the bunker. Cas had laid Sam down on his own bed.

"Is he going to wake up now?", queried Dean.

"He will wake up but I cannot say when. I may have healed his major injuries but Sam's body has still suffered immense trauma. He's going to need rest to recuperate" answered Cas.

Dean grabbed a chair by Sam's desk and placed it next to Sam.

"Looks like I should get comfy then", mumbled Dean.

"Dean, you can't camp out in that chair. You need to get something to eat and shower. Sam will have me and Castiel watching over him but you'll be no good to him hungry and smelly so go", Mary scolded softly.

"But...", started Dean.

"No buts", interjected Mary.

Dean sighed but didn't argue, knowing it was useless.

"Fine but shout me if he starts to wake up, okay?"

Mary nodded and with that Dean left to eat and shower.

Mary made two cups of coffee and headed towards Sam's room where Cas was situated.

"Hey, I wasn't sure if angels drank coffee but I made you a mug just in case", admitted Mary.

"Thank you", responded Castiel genuinely, smiling at the memory of his and Sam's discussion on PB & J and molecules. The smile soon faded.

"I am sorry Mary, I feel responsible for what happened to Sam. For letting him free" sighed Cas.

Mary let free a laugh.

"What?" Queried Cas in confusion.

"It's just...I think you, Dean and I all feel responsible for what happened to Sam and if Sam were awake, he'd probably be giving himself a hard time over it too but in reality it's just a horrible situation that came from the jobs we have", considered Mary.

Cas smiled as Sam began to stir.

"I should go get Dean", Cas announced as he disappeared.

Mary ran to Sam's side, placing a comforting hand on the Shoulder, the one that hadn't been dislocated. Sam seemed to becoming agitated as he woke up.

"Hey, hey, hey Sam. You're still a little banged up, you need to take it easy", soothed Mary.

"Dean?", rasped Sam. Go figure that the first thing to enter Sam's mind when he came around, would be Dean, Mary thought as she let a small smile stretch across her face.

"I'm right here Sammy", announced Dean who had just appeared in the doorway with Cas.

Dean sat on the edge of Sam's bed.

"That's it, open your eyes sleeping beauty", joked Dean who had noticeably lifted since Sam had started to wake up.

Sam's eyes fluttered open, squinted at the sudden light.

"Dean?" Sam questioned again.

"It's okay Sammy, you've been through the wars but you okay Sasquatch", smiled Dean widely.

Sam eyed his surroundings, taking in the three faces staring at him.

"What's going on?", mumbled Sam, still sleepy.

"What do you remember?" Approached Dean, carefully.

"Erm...We were on a case, then there was a whole lot of blank and then I woke up about to drive off a bridge and I tried to swerve and there was a whole lot of pain...That's about it", recalled Sam tiredly.

"Well that's pretty much it, we were hunting that hongaek thing and it got you and long story short you ended up in a bad car accident but Cas healed you and brought you back hear", explained Dean.

Memories flashed through Sam's head. Memories of blank states and only one goal, to kill himself. Memories of being tied up and Cas letting him go. Memories of the car crashing and Dean telling him he was going to be okay. He swallowed down the memories, filing them under 'process later' in his head.

"Thanks for that Cas and not that I'm ungrateful but if you healed me why do I still feel like crap?", wondered Sam.

"It was a very bad accident Sam. You had a traumatic brain injury and extensive internal injuries. You were in a coma. I healed the life threatening injuries so we could return to the bunker but I will need to continue healing you to heal the less severe injuries. I wasn't able to do it all in one go", Cas told Sam.

"Oh", was all Sam could say as he eyed his cast and took note of the sore points in his body.

"Well thanks for saving my life Cas, really. But aren't you looking for Lucifer? I can deal with a few bumps and bruises, if you need to be somewhere else then you don't need to stick around just to heal me", offered Sam.

"Sam, we will find Lucifer and we will put him back in the cage where he belongs but right now, you are my priority Sam. Crowley will be in touch if there's any news but you're what's important at this moment Sam", insisted Cas.

A small smile crept across Dean's face.

"Hey, you hungry Sammy? I can make you something to eat?", suggested Dean.

"I am pretty hungry, if I could lean on something, I could probably fix something up myself", grunted Sam as he tried to hoist himself up.

"Hey, enough of that! Cas may have saved your life but you've still pretty much got a broken everything..You need to rest, got it?", ordered Dean, "Cas, you can come help me with the food".

"Dean I do not think I'll be of much assistance to you in the kitchen", argued Cas. Dean attempting to send a knowing look to Cas, eyes casually shifting between Sam and Mary to try and signal to Cas that they needed time to talk.

"Dean, are you having vision problems", asked a confused Cas.

Dean sighed, "God dammit Cas, just come help me in the kitchen!"

Cas continued to stare in confusion until it seemed to finally hit him.

"Oh, yes. I shall do that, I will help prepare the food".

Sam shared a small smile at Cas and his obvious confusion with human social cues. Dean and Cas left Sam's room, leaving just himself and Mary who had remained pretty quiet since he'd come round.

There was silence between them, neither knowing what to say. Sam began to try and lift himself into a sitting position but this was difficult between a dislocated shoulder, a broken collar bone, a broken leg and several broken ribs and Sam grimaced in pain.

"Take it easy Sam, here, let me help", offered Mary softly as she positioned Sam's pillows and eased him slightly upwards. Sam's eyes never met Mary's but out of shame rather than bad feeling. Mary fiercly grabbed hold of the hand that wasn't connected to Sam's dislocated shoulder and held it between both of her hands. Sam was startled by this action and his hazel eyes store widely at her before dropping again.

Sam cleared his throat, "It's okay mom, you don't have to do that because I was stupid enough to let that thing get to me. I understand if you just wanna join Dean in the kitchen".

Mary's heart broke for the millionth time at hearing her baby boy's dejected voice and his obvious interpretation that Mary did not want to know her son after hearing about all he'd been through.

"Sammy, please look at me. Don't ever think that I could ever feel anything but love towards you", pleaded Mary.

"But after everything I blurted out..."Sam mumbled.

"After everything you shared with me, I couldn't be prouder of you", interrupted Mary and she was met with a confused and disbelieving face.

"I'm so sorry Sam, so sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry that you trusted me enough to share some of the hardest parts of your life and that I ran. But please Sam, don't think that was because I didn't accept you or thought badly of you because that's not true. I ran because I didn't know how to deal with all this. I have so much guilt Sam, I cursed you to a life stalked by darkness and pain before you were even born and knowing everything that happened after that...because of that, it was too much for me to handle. Thinking of you, going through all you have; losing your girlfriend, dying, losing Dean, losing a lot of people, going to hell, never getting the life you deserved...thinking of all of that and knowing I wasn't there to make things better, knowing that some of that was my fault, was unbearable. I don't deal well with my emotional crap sometimes and this is a prime example of it but it had nothing to do with how I feel about you. I am so proud of you and the things that you told me don't change that, it just cements that further. You're my perfect baby boy Sam and despite every odd being against you, you've grown into a good, caring and intelligent man and I will never be anything but proud of you and your brother. I love you, okay? I know it has to be confusing for me to show up after being dead for years only to go off again but that's because I'm trying to figure out all this stuff but it's nothing to do with you boys", promised Mary, gripping Sam's hand.

A look of hope followed by disbelief, flashed across Sam's face "You know, if Dean made you talk to me or whatever, you don't have too. Dean can be...protective But I understand if you can't accept the things I've done. You don't have to pretend to be okay with it".

"Sam, what's it going to take to make you see that I love and am proud of you?!" Asked Mary exasperated.

Sam hit his lip, "I just...I don't understand why you would", admitted Sam as a rogue tear cascaded down his cheek.

"A part of me hoped you would understand when I told you all that stuff but honestly, I don't understand how you can look at me?", confessed Sam softly.

"Hey, look at me Sam. You're a good man. A great one. You're a hero and more than that, you're my son. My baby, and you could have singled handedly killed every last person on this planet and I'd still love you because a mother's love, as cliche as it sounds, is unconditionally. Or at least a good mother's love is. But Sam you not some sort of villain. You've done so much good and experienced so much pain but you don't seem to see that. Believe me Sam when I say that I'm proud", Mary asked, practically begged.

Sam bit his lip as a method to hold back the stinging tears that were threatening to leave Sam's eyes, "You really don't hate me?" Asked Sam in such a boyish way that made Mary want to squeeze him.

"I could never hate you Sam".

A genuine smile spread across Sam's face and his eyes, although still brimming with salty tears, lit up and god did it made Mary's heart burst.

"Knock knock", announced Dean as he walked through to Sam's room with a tray of food in hand and Castiel trailing behind him.

Dean immediately noticed Sam's, red rimmed eyes.

"We all good in here?" Asked Dean cautiously.

"Yeah Dean, we're good. Really good", assured Sam, flashing one of his million dollar grins.

"Good cause I've got grub and and a boxset of game of thrones for us to watch", grinned Dean.

Dean exchanged a look with Sam. Sam nodded at Dean, letting him know he was really okay which was enough to allow Dean to continue grinning and bickering with Cas.

5 days later...

Sam and Dean stood against the impala, facing their mom and her car.

"So, you boys going to be okay while I try and sort my head out some more?", questioned Mary lightly.

"I think we'll manage as long as Sam doesn't try and go all Grey's anatomy on me again", chuckled Dean.

"Funny", Sam deadpanned but couldn't help but smirk at his big brother, "will you be okay mom?".

"Yeah, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. I'll be in touch, okay? And as soon as I'm done figuring my stuff out, I'll be back with you boys", promised Mary, cupping Sam's face with her hand.

"You got it", replied Dean cheerfully.

Mary brought both of her boys into a hug before she jumped in her car and drove away with Sam and Dean watching her go. It still wasn't easy, having her leave but Dean felt better, like they figured some things out and confident that she'd be back.

"So Sammy, you got a little chatty with mom, hey?" Prompted Dean.

"Er yeah, and she isn't running of screaming so that's a good sign".

"Course not Sam, she's our mom".

"You've changed your tune from when mom first left".

"Yeah well, I get it more now...how you doing anyway?"

"I'm good, Cas finished healing me a couple of days ago...you know that".

"Yeah but you know, how you doing...mentally?"

Sam let out a laugh at that, Dean was never one to willingly talk about feelings.

"Dean, it's not like I was actually suicidal. It was the hongaek".

"Yeah but that thing targeted people who were already kinda depressed. You doing okay now?", asked Dean sincerely.

"Yeah, talking with mom brought up a lot of stuff but we figured it out and I can't lie and say that knowing Lucifer is wondering around feels great but I'm doing okay, really".

"Good, cause I swear to chuck, amara, lucifer and whoever else is listening that if you pull any crap like that again, I'll kill you, myself. Your better not leave me Sammy".

"Noted", laughed Sam.

"So, we're good. Mom's good. Now all that we have to contend with is Lucifer and some psycho brits", Dean deadpanned.

"Yeah but we got each other right, that's all we need and Cas of course".

"Come here", instructed Dean as he pulled Sam into a hug, "you can be a soppy son of a bitch when you wanna be Sammy".

"Says you", laughed Sam, falling into the hug and patting Dean's back.

The two brothers began walking back to the bunker. Sam and Dean grinning at each other.

"Bitch"

"Jerk".


End file.
